Seducing Mother Earth
by Anne Oying
Summary: Episode 15: Dude, Where's My Characterisation?: Squeaky lands a date! Is life finally cutting him a break, or just setting him up for cheap larfs and even more humiliation than normal? Also included: a mysterious creeper on a recliner throne.
1. Ep 1: Painted Love

**AN: Yay! More drabbles from the mind of a procastinator! I don't know how this happened, I have so much to do today and instead... well, enjoy...**

**EDIT: I have decided to make this into a story (yay!) about the Transylvanians adjusting to the pettyness of life. If you have already read this chapter as a oneshot, I haven't changed it at all, so feel free to skip joyfully ahead, or not, it's not like I've activated the transducer or anything...**

**Disclaimer: Do I own it? Yes and no... mostly no...**

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><p>This couldn't get much more degrading.<p>

Magenta dipped the brush into the tin of paint and slapped it against the wall.

It was bad enough that she had had to leave her beloved home planet to work for some sleazy Prince who hit on her every chance her got. It was worse that she had to wear sunglasses during daylight hours and get used to Earth's bizarre laws and cultures. It was unbearable that she and her brother had to hide their relationship from the public as incest was, ahem, frowned upon.

Now Frank was making her wear… _this_!

She glared down at the skimpy maid outfit and slapped the wall again. Although it was less revealing than her normal attire, the simple fact that Frank was _forcing _her to wear it made her two stomachs churn.

And, dip, she now had to call him, slap, Master!

The only thing he's _master_ of is _bation_, she giggled and dipped the brush.

"Magenta?" she spun round to see her brother at the doorway with a jug of lemonade and a plate of freshly baked cookies.

"Hello Mrs Van de Kamp," she replied, Riff had managed to programme the monitors to pick up television signals, for research purposes.

He twitched his lip, "I saw a televisual programming feature called a "Sit. Com."," he shook his head, "It suggested lemon flavoured aid and baked cookie dough as a reward for hard work," he grinned and stood closer to her, so she could smell the cookies.

She picked one up warily and studied it. Raw cookie dough did taste nice…

She bit into it, "Mm! Delicious," her eyes rolled into her head a bit.

She heard him chuckle as she greedily wolfed it down and reached for another, "You should wash it down with some lemonade."

She grabbed the jug and took a swig.

"Uh, you were supposed to use a cup," he pulled a small plastic cup out of his pocket and offered it to her.

"I prefer to cut out the middle man," she said, trying to hide her embarrassment.

Riff Raff grinned and took a cookie, "How is the painting coming along?"

She made a face, "Slow and tedious."

"Would you like some help?" he removed his tattered jacked along with the pillow stuffed into the specially made pouch.

Magenta regretted fretting over her outfit, Frank had done everything he could to make Riff less attractive; a regularly shaved bald patch graced the crown of her brother's head, in retaliation, he had grown the remainder of his blonde hair, an act that backfired as Frank prohibited him from showering, causing it to become stringy and greasy. The aforementioned pillow gave Riff the hunchbacked appearance of the stereotypical butler as well as the worn tux that he had to wear every day, even as he slept. His beautiful voice had been worn by his screams as a whip lashed his back, until it had become a weary drawl.

She smiled gratefully at him as he picked up a brush and began splashing paint across the wall.

"Riff!" she protested as he clumsily splattered the paint everywhere, "You're getting paint all over me!"

He grinned and flicked the brush at her, covering her in pink, "Hey, you're magenta, Magenta!" he laughed.

"Ha ha," she stroked the brush across his face, giving him a bushy black moustache.

He narrowed his eyes and gave her a green monobrow. Soon an epic paint war had broken out between the siblings until they were dunking their hands in the cans and chucking paint at each other.

"Riff! Riff, stop!" Magenta cried. He ceased fire. They looked around.

"Oops," he smirked, "Guess we got carried away…"

Magenta raised an eyebrow, "Look at us!"

They were drenched in all the colours of the rainbow.

"We'll have to get out of these clothes," Magenta sighed, of course she'd be the one doing the washing!

"Indeed, we will…," Riff tailed off suggestively.

Magenta stared at him, confused. Everyone was much more forward on their planet, innuendo was rarely used.

Riff sighed and walked over to her, slowly unbuttoning her dress.

"Do you get it now?" he asked, as he began to kiss her.

She got it alright.

* * *

><p>The next morning Magenta woke up in her own bed, trying to memorise every detail of the night before. It wasn't often that she woke up during the day, unlike Riff who had a castle to maintain. She grimaced and made a mental note to never complain again, no matter how hard she had it, Riff had it ten times harder.<p>

She noticed that he had cleaned and folded her maid outfit for her and she smiled soppily as she put it on.

She headed downstairs to make him some, what were they called? Cookies! That was it!

As she entered the kitchen, she caught her reflection in one of the pans that hung overhead. She giggled.

She had red paint dabbed onto her cheeks, nose and around her lips, black exaggerated eyebrows and a twirly black moustache.

Riff must have got to her in her sleep. After her shower, she had just collapsed onto her bed, without bothering to dry her hair or anything, causing it to revert to its natural afro form. She grimaced, she looked exactly like a clown. A clown with a moustache.

She looked around for her brother and found him asleep in his tower room. She searched around until she found the face paint that he had probably used on her and got to work.

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><p>"Afternoon, brother," she nodded to him formally, keeping her back to him as she cleaned the apparatus most affected by her baking attempt.<p>

"Sister," he responded, equally formal.

She hid a smirk as she heard him sit down at the table and flick through a newspaper.

She turned round and deposited her monster cookies and a glass of milk on the table, glad that his face was covered by the paper.

"Thank you," he said cordially and removed the paper from his face.

She couldn't help herself and began snorting with laughter as she saw his painted face.

"Meaw?" he asked curiously, his mouth stretching into a grin.

She stroked his head, "Good kitty, enjoy your milk."

He picked up the glass and began lapping the milk up with his pointy tongue, purring.

She laughed some more, he put down the glass and licked her face.

"Oh, Riff, you're messing up my make up!" she protested. He beamed at her, the clown face was still intact.

"You know, that's quite a good look on you," he said, stroking his painted on whiskers thoughtfully.

"Ditto," she said before hopping onto his lap and kissing him passionately, trying to ignore his joking purrs.

* * *

><p>Frank finally emerged from his room at around midnight, in his dragon robe, with his hair in curlers, facemask on.<p>

He sat down at the dining room table and took out his compact, to check his reflection whilst he waited for breakfast to come. He growled at his reflection and blew it a kiss, "Frankie, baby," he said, "If you look this irresistible just now, what are you like when you're _trying_?" he chuckled. After five minutes of flirting with himself he noticed that the kitchen was empty.

"Magenta? Riff Raff?" he waited a few more minutes before sighing dramatically and heaving himself up.

"Look what they've reduced me to," he muttered as he retrieved a box of cereal, "A prince shouldn't have to make his own breakfast!" he stared at the box. He'd seen Riff Raff and Magenta make it before but he's never really paid them any attention, unless one of them had to bend over dor some reason. He searched around until he found some milk and a bowl. Now, did the milk or the cereal go in first? He pondered this for a second before putting them in simultaneously.

"Frankie, you're an absolute genius!" he clapped his hands and put the bowl in the microwave and hit a random button.

Two boring seconds later and he decided to check out his newly painted yoga room.

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><p>Upstairs the siblings were busy performing the Transylvanian Universal Anthem; the Time Warp.<p>

At the end they collapsed to the floor, as custom dictated they should, and sighed sadly. As much as they had enjoyed it, it just wasn't the same without a big crowd of Transylvanians and the music to back it up.

They turned their heads to look at each other.

"When shall we return?" Magenta asked worriedly.

"Once we have completed our mission here," Riff stroked her upset face, "Don't worry, my most beautiful sister, it won't take long."

"But what if he gets distracted?" she said, voicing their unspoken concern, "He loses interest too easily."

"I don't think he'll become uninterested in having his own planet, whole galaxies away from his jealous, overbearing mother," Riff comforted her.

She nodded sadly and stood up, "Can you show me how to make cookies now?" she said coyly and helped him up.

As they headed downstairs, a thought hit Magenta, "Did you remember to clean up that room we were painting?"

"Magenta! Riff Raff! What are these weird paint stains on the floor of my yoga room?"

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><p><strong>AN: Inspired a bit by the Friends episode where Ross and Rachel are on the plane to Vegas and Ross draws on her face whilst she's asleep and then later on after a call to the pen company and a lot of drinks, he lets her draw on him, hehe. Also by a small scene in the book version of The Time Travellers wife when future Henry and present Claire act like cats...<strong>

**Also, Bree Van de Kamp is this stereotypical queen of suburbia who wears arpons and makes lemonade on Desperate Housewifes, I realised after I'd wrote it that RHPS was filmed in the 70's and Desperate Housewifes is new etc. But, um, maybe Riff's fiddling with the monitors ****means they get programmes from the future... and Magenta's two stomachs are from Doctor Who as he has two hearts :P**

**I think that's it for the cultural referances... except I recently started yoga and I could imagine Frank doing it :D And the cereal in the microwave is from one of my favourite bits in the Simpsons when Homer is trying to make Mr. Burns breakfast and everything keeps catching on fire, even when he just pours milk into cereal... lulzz **


	2. Ep 2: Chocaholic and Sister

**Disclaimer: Don't remind me, *sob***

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><p>"Riff Raff?"<p>

"Yes, Magenta?"

"What's this?"

Riff Raff came over to inspect the unidentified object.

Frank had recently begun watching the monitors and had written the siblings a list of items that the monitor had "advised him to acquire". He seemed to believe that television was some kind of all-powerful, all-pervading God that had come to Earth knowing that he was to eventually arrive, and so, everything it did was aimed at him, or for his benefit.

Now referring to the monitor as his "Royal Advisor and Entertainer", he had sent his servants to the local supermarket to retrieve every item on his monitor supplied list.

Riff Raff held the object up to his eye and frowned, "It appears to be some kind of rectangular device…,"

Magenta took it from him and began running her hands reverently around it before letting out a small shriek, "I have solved the mystery!" she cried and carefully peeled back a corner of the plastic and foil wrapper that concealed the insides.

"Is it some sort of excrement?" asked Riff Raff, "Or soil, perhaps?"

"Hmmm…," Magenta peered at the corner of brown that peeked out of the wrapper, she gently pulled the foil back a bit, holding her breath.

Riff Raff grabbed it off of her, "No Magenta, I will not allow you to risk your safety!" he said and began unwrapping the object at a painfully slow pace. Magenta squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to see what would happen.

"Can I help you two?"

The twosome gasped and spun round violently to face the wary shop assistant.

They continued to gawp at him as he shifted uncomfortably," Uh, you're not really supposed to do that…," he tailed off and gestured to the half opened rectangle in Riff Raff's vice-like grip.

They stared curiously at the pimply teen, wondering how he could so casually rearrange the disrupted mysterious-rectanglular-object display as he waited for them to either say something or, preferably, leave the store.

"Actually, we were wondering if this is safe to purchase," Riff Raff said gravely, as if he was acquiring a bomb.

"You mean the chocolate bar?" they had to be messing with him, "Uh, I would think so…"

The siblings exchanged looks of worry.

"What is its purpose?" asked Magenta worriedly.

"Eating mainly, but I guess you could, um, use it for other things… if you wanted…"

The couple huddled together and whispered fiercely as the teen stood there helplessly, wondering if he should get management over.

Eventually they straightened their spines and solemnly said in unison, "Lots of gratitude for your assistance, squeaky voiced guide, we no longer require you though."

The teen couldn't get out of there fast enough.

* * *

><p>"Master! We have returned with your articles!" they called as they entered the castle.<p>

Two earthlings in suits carrying clipboards and bibles scurried past them followed by a completely naked Frank.

"Come back!" he cried after them, "I really do want to become "More Man"!" he sighed and slammed the door, turning to the expressionless siblings, "Did you get what my adviser advised?"

"Yes Master," they handed him four of their five bulging bags.

He was too excited to notice the fifth bag and gleefully clapped his hands, "Riff Raff, carry these to my bedchamber!" he commanded.

Riff Raff obeyed wordlessly and carted the heavy bags up the stairs, holding his tongue even as Frank gave him kicks of "encouragement" as he called it. At least he wasn't wearing his stiletto heels, he was even without his trademark fishnets and make up, completely naked for the first time since he was a baby.

Magenta watched her brother sadly until he disappeared from sight. Then she turned to the fifth bag.

She looked around, a bit paranoid and ran into the first room she came to, locking the door once she entered.

Again she checked no one was around, ridiculous really, since there were only three inhabitants of the castle. Still, there could have been some kind of stowaway lurking in the shadows or a curious earthling might have decided to investigate. She shook her head and opened the bag. It was filled with chocolate bars, as they were called.

Magenta had seen chocolate before, in her brothers cookies and on TV, but never in this bar form or this shade of brown.

She lifted a rectangle up to her nostril and inhaled deeply. Only a miniscule hint of the chocolate odour broke out of its paper and foil prison. She timidly ran a finger along the bottom of the bar, where the wrapper doubled over on itself and inserted her nail in between the small opening. Cautiously, she peeled the paper portion away, exposing the reflective sheet of aluminium. There was something strangely sensual about the way the foil clung to the grooves of the hidden chocolate, and Magenta unwrapped it gently, as if she was undressing a virgin. Finally, the chocolate was there, bear and vulnerable and exposed for all to see. It was a warm, well tanned colour, lighter than any chocolate Magenta had ever seen. Its smoothness was interrupted by the small nooks that divided it into breakable squares.

Magenta licked her lips, she had never been a fan of foreplay.

* * *

><p>"Magenta, where are you my sister?"<p>

"Oh, Riff Raff! I'm in heaven!" she cried, her voiced soaked in ecstasy.

Riff Raff creased his brow and chapped tentatively on the door her voice had come from.

The door unlocked with a heavy clunk as an enraptured Magenta moaned loudly and pulled her brother inside.

"Oh Riff!" she cried and stuck her tongue in his mouth. He tasted something sweet and milky.

"Magenta!" he cried and pushed her off him, "Are you under the influence?" She was in the Zen Room after all.

"Yes, the influence of cocoa!" she cried, happily twirling around the cluttered room, picking up wrappers and using them as confetti.

"Magenta," he said sternly, grabbing her shoulders, "Look at me," he inspected her pupils until she pressed herself against him, dropping her head onto his shoulder.

"Join me, you are my brother, the son of my mother and my lover," she giggled at the rhymes, "And you must join me, give yourself over to absolute pleasure!" she screamed.

"Didn't we do that last night," he twitched his lip.

She stuck her chocolate coated tongue out at him, "Just have some goddamn chocolate!" she snapped.

He shrugged and broke off a piece from a bar she had stuffed in her pocket. He took a bite.

"Well?"

"…"

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><p>Frank wasn't exactly the most observational being in the universe. Mainly, because he chose to ignore the signs that his presumptions or opinions were wrong.<p>

He thought that everyone and everything was sexually attracted to him, and so assumed that it was sheer stubbornness from his two servants that prevented them from sleeping with him. He refused to entertain the notion that they found him so conceited, egotistical and cruel to the point that he was physically repulsive to them. He laughed at the idea that two beings could be so committed enough to each other that there was no need for a little romp with the Prince of pleasure himself.

Anyway, since his stubborn servants were not pleasuring him, the natural move had been to seduce the earthlings.

Although he was yet to leave the castle, his Royal Advisor had supplied him with the telephonicular contactual digits needed for an earthling to be delivered to his doorstep.

The first few encounters had taught him that answering the door in full drag was not helping him. Neither was being completely nude. His advisor supplied him with examples on sitcoms of situations where it was appropriate to answer the door scantily clad. And so, his main guise was that of a dripping man who had just exited the shower.

The hard part then was convincing the earthlings to stick around after he "accidently" dropped his towel.

So far he had not been successful. He thought he'd struck gold when two earthlings came to him, without even being summoned. Having just woken up, he had answered the door in nothing but his dragon robe, expecting Riff Raff and Magenta to have locked themselves out or something.

The two earthlings were there with an objective. They must have heard about him from some of the other earthlings, he had thought as he invited them in. They seemed to be trying to convince him to become more of a man or something. They had a special book on the subject and everything.

Frank knew from his Advisor of innuendo, but he had never encountered it in real life yet. He assumed that was what the earthlings were getting at though, why else would they have come to him? Boring of their charade, he had dropped his robe.

He winced now, remembering.

To get back on track, he wasn't exactly renowned for his observational skills, and so it took him a few days to notice the changes in his servants:

1. He had noticed that he had the castle to himself more often, they were usually either out at the supermarket, or locked in the Zen room.

2. Their spirits seemed to be higher, they were spending less time sulking and complaining about homesickness, and more time collapsed in corners giggling themselves stupid or floating around the castle with big stupid smiles on their blissful faces.

C) Their mouths were constantly covered in a weird brown substance.

Frank hated being out of the loop, and so he decided to get to the bottom of this mystery. He switched on his advisor and gasped at the programmed that came on.

_We now return to CSI: Miami, where a wealthy porn star has just been murdered by his two servants..._

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><p>"Excuse me, squeaky voiced guide."<p>

The teen turned round at the tap on his shoulder to see two familiar faces.

"Oh no," he gulped and called for his manager, "Mr. Solomon, it's happening again!"

"Calm yourself," Riff Raff rolled his eyes, "We are here to inquire about this," he held up a bar of white chocolate.

"That's white chocolate, the same as all other kinds of chocolate but… I don't know, it's white! I don't think it has cocoa in it or something… please, I'm just trying to save up for a car!" he practically wept.

"Gratitude for your assistance, squeaky voiced guide," they saluted him and headed for the register.

"Oh, Riff," breathed Magenta, "I'm shivering with anticipation!"

"As am I, sister," they began kissing in the middle of the queue, startling the people who heard him call her sister.

"Foreigners," muttered one old man. Not knowing just how right he was.

* * *

><p>"Aha!" Frank pounced on the siblings as they entered the castle.<p>

"Master?" they blinked innocently.

"Don't "Master" me! I know where you have been! Yes, I have that knowledge! So quake with fear you tiny fools!" he exclaimed dramatically, keeping a shaking finger pointed at them, as he threw his head back as if they had injured him.

"Master, we were merely at the store –,"

"I already knew that!" he cried.

Did the shopping bags give it away? They thought sarcastically.

"And I know what you are planning!" he swiped the bag off of them and emptied it onto the floor, dozens of chocolate bars spilled out. His eyes goggled, "What are you planning?"

The siblings grinned sheepishly at each other. This would take some explaining.

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><p><strong>AN: Yeah... I don't really know either. But today is Easter Sunday (woot!) also the end of Lent (double woot!) and way, way back at the beginning, me and two of my firneds made a pact to give up chocolate for it. Well, they gave up after about two days but I stayed strong! Despite the various sleepovers I had to endure where my Home ec-taking friend brought chocolate cake... *sigh*<strong>

**Well, anyway, I really just wanted to write a fic, any fic that involved chocolate.**

**Cultural Referances: The squeaky voiced guide is a cameo of Squeaky Voiced Teen from the Simpsons, one of my absolute favourite characters of all time :D! His manager, Mr. Solomon, stole the second name of Dick Solomon from 3rd Rock From The Sun, which greatly inspires me to make these ignorant-of-human-life type fics ;P. Also, Magenta getting high on choclate is a bit of me, I forgot how good it tastes! And the Mormans visiting Frank is because I've started watching Big Love and there was an episode when two Mormans won't stop bugging Nicky and I thought, what if they went over to the Frankenstein place... I also made soem referances to Face Painting, my other Riff/Genta fic ;P mostly the fact that their monitor apparently gets TV shows from the future (yes, I know CSI: Miami wasn't made in the 70s) Oh yeah, CSI:Miami... well... pretty much explains itself, I watch all three CSI's but Miami always has the most ridiculous plotlines :P, also, once something very dramatic was happening on it and then the break came on, at the end it had a trailor thingy for CSI Sunday (don't ask) where it totally ruined the ending of the episode I was watching... :( And Riff and Genta acting all nervous around the chocolate is again, 3rd Rock From the Sun shining (pun intended) through, I mean, that show is almost funnier than Seinfeld! I think that's it... ciao for now!**


	3. Ep 3: Currying Favour

**Disclaimer: ...**

**AN: Sup peeps ;P! Just to say thanks for all the lovely reviews and favourites and alerts, you guys couldn't be more awesome! And also to apologise for this chapter... it's not the best, lets put it that way, I won't be able to update that often on account of the big scary exams that I'm supposed to be revising for just now, and I didn't want to leave you hanging, so it's not as good as the other chapters :( just to warn you...**

**Also, it's harder than I though to come up with ideas, so if anyone has any suggestions or requests, just tickle that lil blue button at the bottom, don't be shy ;P**

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><p>"Well, Royal Advisor, what do you have for me today?" Frank turned the crank and settled back onto his lovely pink heart shaped bed and sighed contentedly.<p>

"_Pass the butter, Magenta."_

"_Here you go, Riff."_

"_Thanks."_

Frank sighed, he must have left it on security camera mode. He was faced with a dilemma; find out what happens to Becky and Steve by going _all _the way over to the monitor screen and change the channel or sit comfortably and be bored.

He'd have to remember to ask his Advisor for some sort of device that allowed you to change channels without moving, a Prince shouldn't have to make such a choice! Back on Transexual, some commoner would change the channel for him.

He was about to make the ultimate sacrifice of losing his comfy position when something piqued his interest.

"_Hey, Riff…"_

"_Yes?"_

"_Did you see that guy on TV last night?"_

"_I know!"_

"_He makes the Master look like DeLordy!" _

_*laughter*_

What!

"_I tell you, it's not just his looks, it's his talent!"_

"_Only he could have pulled off something as atrocious as that!"_

"_That Tim Curry sure is something!"_

Frank huffed and narrowed his eyes.

"Time too see just how hot," he put on a pair of sunglasses, "This Curry really is…"

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><p>"This earthling is not so great!" he cried, "Look at his crazy red hair, deathly pale skin and… his eyes light up!" he shook his head incredulously, "What sane earthlings would find a pale, red haired immortal who <em>sparkles <em>attractive!" he sighed, "But according to the title, he's IT,"

He sighed again and changed the channel, "Hang on…," his eyes bulged as he saw what came on.

The Transylvanians still hadn't figured out the difference between reality and television. As they were constantly being filmed on the security cameras, they believed that the same thing was happening everywhere, and they were getting a live feed.

Frank clutched his pillow in fear as the large red creature stomped about, killing innocence and seducing maidens.

The worst part came with the credits.

"He's the _devil_!" Frank screeched in rage, "How am I supposed to compete with that?" he sobbed, "He has to be hot to be living in Hell!"

* * *

><p>Downstairs Riff Raff and Magenta were sitting side by side on the sofa. Unmoving, patiently waiting for the doorbell to ring.<p>

_Ding Dong_

They gasped and looked at each other excitedly.

They bolted to the door, Riff getting there first. He opened it up.

"Candy Man! I have a delivery for you!" the red cheeked, jolly clown giggled and handed Riff Raff a brightly coloured paper bag, "Enjoy!" he beamed.

"We will," Riff Raff, never taking his eyes off the bag, slammed the door in the clown's face.

"Did you get the stuff?" Magenta appeared, eyeing the bag hungrily.

Riff shushed her and pulled a chocolate finger out, he licked it and nodded, "Its good."

Magenta shrieked and they ran into the Zen Room, their new hideout.

Riff Raff emptied the bag onto a table and they leaned over to inhale the sweet scent.

"Shall we?"

* * *

><p>"Woe! Woe! Woe! Woe! Oh, Woe is me!" Frank punctuated each cry by banging his head on his pillow, sobbing loudly.<p>

The monitor continued to play, moving onto another movie.

Frank looked up, sniffling, "Well, I bet he doesn't look good in drag!"

He accidently glanced at the TV screen and caught a glimpse of the name Tim Curry in the opening credits.

He scoffed, "Pretty boy, I dare you to compete with me! Go on, sing Sweet Transvestite!" he threw back his head arrogantly, "I'd like to see you try!"

A girl scout hopped onto the TV screen she coughed out a cigarette and continued her skipping. Frank chuckled a bit. He laughed harder when the Girl Scout was revealed to be a henchman, beard and all.

"He does look quite dashing though," Frank said contemplatively, "He has some real potential," Frank shivered a bit, "I must remember to check the credits to see who that is, as well as finding out where Curry was hiding, so I can mock him!" he laughed diabolically, "I hope he reveals his true pitiful form!" he laughed again.

His laughter soon turned to tears as the names rolled up, "… it was him… that sexy Girl Scout…was him..."

* * *

><p>Frank glumly slumped down the stairs, he had lost the heart to dress up and so wore nothing but a stained extra-large jumper and some sweats. He couldn't even be bothered to moisturise. All he wanted was a cut of his servants chocolate, to drown his sorrows in milky goodness.<p>

He opened the door to the Zen Room and gasped, "What are you two doing to my lovely, clean rug!" he screeched.

"Master!" they cried.

They were both stripped down to their underwear and slathered in chocolate, it was even in their hair! Frank took a step back, this was too kinky even for him! He put a hand on his chest and sat down, he leapt back up.

"It's everywhere! On my walls, my chairs my… ceiling fan…?" they grinned sheepishly.

"We thought you'd be proud," they said simply and stood up.

Frank sighed, "Normally yes, but I have discovered another…"

"Another what, Master?" Riff Raff offered him his chocolate smeared hand, Frank accepted a lick.

"Another… babe! One hotter than I!" he threw his head back and put a hand on his forehead.

Riff Raff and Magenta exchanged looks.

"Are you referring to Tim Curry?" Riff guessed.

Frank nodded sadly.

"Come," Magenta took his hand and led him to the nearest monitor.

"This will make you feel better," Riff Raff patted his shoulder, Frank ignored the chocolate stain on his shoulder and watched the screen, his spirit lifting with every second.

At the end he smiled at his loyal servants, "I'm glad I chose you two to come with me, and not those four other applicants," he said.

This was the closest thing to a genuine compliment that they had ever gotten, they smiled at him.

"Make sure to clean up in here," he snapped suddenly as he left.

They nodded solemnly.

"Oh," he poked his head back through the door, "I am prohibiting you from contacting the Candy Man,"

They gasped.

"That's right, I'm cutting you off!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Dun Dun Dunnnn! Again, I'm sorry :( I've been trying to work up the courage to watch IT, and so I accidently stumbled across this website with youtube clips and stuff all about "Tim Curry's Ten Weirdest Roles" or something... some of the clips made it into here.<strong>

**Also, this is the first time I've ever used the word "sweats" instead of joggers or trackies, for my American readers, the majority, I might add. I just thought I'd mention that... :\**

**Cultural Referances: Oh boy, there's a lot...**

**Sunglasses & One-liner? - Horatio Caine in CSI:Miami, I don't need to explain this to anyone who has seen even one episode of the show. I am ridiculously proud of my one-liner, it showcases my love for puns! :D**

**Chocolate fetish? - Inspired by a Frasier episode when Frasier and Niles become addicted to eating and selling cavier. Like the episode it is treated as if it's a drug or something. I have decided that chocolate to a Transylvanian is like (insert drug) to a human.**

**Four Applicants? - Again, 3rd Rock from the Sun, one day I will do a crossover between the two. I like the thought of the Solomons trying to muscle in on Frank's mission. Plus William Shatner would make a perfect Old Queen.**

**Becky and Steve? - Coronation Street, Becky and Steve are going through some problems right now...**

**Tim Curry Films? - These all come from the previously mentioned list, I haven't seen any of them; the first one is IT *shudders* where Tim plays a psychotic clown/shapeshifter thing, which is why Frank believes he hasn't yet seen Curry's true form. The second is Legend, where Tim plays the devil himself, "killing innocence and seducing maidens" ay, Frank? The third is... I think it's called National Lampoon Loaded Weapon 1 or something... anyway, Tim plays a German henchman who kills Whoopi Goldberg. Did I leave something out? Oh yeah, he does it dressed as a Girl Scout, he doesn't even bother to shave his beard either... I strongly suggest that you Google it and have some larfs! And the last one... type in Tim Curry Worst Witch into youtube, please, words can't describe the atrocity that is this video. No 80s special effect was spared, the think is just one big green screen, even Tims hair! Please type it in! I'll pay you!**

**Monitor? - Again, the magical fortune telling monitor, I think it should count as an OC, I think that I'll feature it in other Rocky fics...**

**Babe? - For my friend's birthday I got her the RHPS DVD. On her sleepover, we all got a bit hyper and whenever a member of the male gender came onscreen we'd all shout "Babe!" (this was especially funny every time Charlse Gray popped up) and now it has become a running joke, I just had to sneek it in ;D **

**I think that's it... **

**Direct all suggestions and questions to the button below ;)**


	4. Ep 4: Dancing Queer Part I

**Disclaimer: Sure I own it, Ritz is just my patsy ;P ...**

**AN: Gasp! I'm actually shocked at my early update! I'm trying to be extra sugar, spice and nice to everyone to appease the cosmic-karma-chameleon forces out there to get me good test scores, and a decent work experience placement ;D so... here it is! Put in a good word for me! Also thanks for all the lovely reviews etc, you guys couldn't be more awesome! You could try though... ;P hehe**

* * *

><p>"Oh yeah, baby! Ow! You're on fire Frankie!" Frank kissed the mirror, leaving a plum coloured smudge of lipstick, "Nice job, Riff Raff, your seamstress skills have improved greatly since you left rehab!"<p>

"It wasn't rehab," Riff Raff snapped moodily.

"Oh, _riiiiiiiiiight_!" Frank winked. Riff Raff rolled his eyes and continued his work on the sewing machine. Ever since he had come back from… that-place-that-wasn't-rehab, he had spent all his time keeping his hands busy. From dawn 'til dusk he cooked, cleaned, hammered, sawed and sewed. At night, he coated them in moisturiser and stuffed them both together in a large cotton sock.

Not that Frank noticed, or cared. He continued to pirouette and preen in front of the mirror, cooing with delight and chatting his reflection up.

"What do you think, oh wise Advisor?" he hit the button on the handy remotular-controlling device that activated that particular monitor. Riff Raff, as well as inventing the remotular-controlling device, had installed a monitor in each room.

_You're a teaser, you turn 'em on_

_Leave 'em burning and then you're gone_

_Looking out for another, anyone will do_

_You're in the mood for a dance_

_And when you get the chance…_

…_**you go to the Denton Concert Hall where a group of ABBA super fans (who seem to have formed a band of some sort) will be performing all of ABBA's greatest hits!**_

_**So call the number on the screen to book your tickets now! Hurry, they're selling like meatballs!**_

"Oh, Advisor! You flatter me so!" Frank clapped his hands gleefully and began strutting around the dressing room, striking seductive poses, "Oh, _yes_!" he cried throwing his head back, refocusing on his reflection.

Riff Raff grimaced and kept his eyes on the sequins he was sewing onto Frank's new nightgown.

* * *

><p>"Chocolate… need… chocolate…," Magenta twitched and got up from the rocking huddled position she had assumed on the floor.<p>

"Must… have… some… chocolate…," she pulled at her hair in despair and moaned loudly.

"_It's for your own good, Magenta, I'm sorry."_

_*slam*_

She blinked.

"_Please Riff, I'd be doing it for the both of us! Or you could do it, if you'd prefer, or we could do it together, or –,"_

"_Listen to yourself Magenta! I don't like what it's doing to us… maybe it's a good thing he cut us off…"_

She clutched her forehead, digging her nails in, begging her mind for peace.

"_Magenta…?"_

"_Don't look at me!"_

"_Magenta? Why is it so dark?"_

"_I said don't look at me!"_

_*lights turn on*_

"_Magenta!"_

"_Don't look at me! Don't look at me! Don't look at me!"_

_*sobbing from both siblings*_

"Stop!" Magenta cried as she stumbled, accidently hitting the monitor.

Through her blurry vision she could see her brother patiently working his fingers to the bone whilst Frank pranced about in an unrestricted display of pure, unbridled narcissism.

"Oh, Riff," she sniffled, reaching a hand to stroke the screen, "How do you do it?"

"_It's for your own good, Magenta, I'm sorry."_

_*slam*_

"…_Riff?"_

_*sobbing*_

"_I'm so sorry…"_

* * *

><p>Riff Raff wandered down the hallways, wringing his hands and frowning.<p>

He knocked on a door, "Goodnight Magenta…"

She knocked in reply.

He sighed, sure, he regretted locking his dear sister up in the small windowless room. But it was for her own good…

"_It's for your own good, Magenta, I'm sorry."_

_*slam*_

…and his too, she made him too weak, want to throw his ever-moving hands in the air and give up, waste all the time, effort and money that that-place-that-wasn't-rehab had poured into him.

He continued to grind his hands together, getting more violent with each thought.

* * *

><p><em>My, my!<em>

_At Waterloo Napoleon did surrender!_

_Oh yeah!_

_And I have met my destiny in quite a similar way!_

_The history book on the shelf_

_Is always repeating itself!_

"Waterloo! I was defeated you won the war!" Frank thrust his hips and popped his arms simultaneously.

"Waterloo! Promise to love you forever more!" he sashayed around the dressing room, dancing with certain articles of clothing or flinging them in the air.

"Waterloo! Couldn't escape if I wanted to!" he cried, kicking a leg in the air and throwing his arms up.

"Waterloo! Knowing my fate is to be with you!" he swivelled his pelvis and pumped his arms above him.

"Waterloo! Finally facing my Waterloo!" he dropped to the floor, as was the polite thing to do after a particularly excellent song back on Transsexual, and throughout the whole universe of Transylvania. Frank was nothing if not a man of tradition. He peeled a pair of his favourite fishnets off his heavily made up face and retired for the night.

* * *

><p>Riff Raff slathered the moisturiser onto his haggard hands before clasping them in a prayer position and slipping them into the oversized sock.<p>

He sighed and slid into bed. He frowned, it felt so much colder and more uncomfortable without his beloved sister snuggled up next to him. His lips twitched as he felt her ghost hands twiddle his hair. Her warm lips kissing his nose as they bid each other goodnight, or other places if they weren't too tired. He could almost hear her deeply sensual, heavily accented voice hum a song in his ear or whisper jokes to him as he attempted to read, she lived to distract him.

Tears pricked his eyes, every night since she was a baby, he had sang her a traditional Transylvanian lullaby;

"Night night."

_Night night._

"It's time for bye-byes.

It's been a great day, thanks a heap.

Now it's time for everyone to go to sleep."

He hummed it to himself as he waited for the sandman to arrive, sand would be just the thing to absorb his tears.

* * *

><p>"I feel the heat from your skin<p>

And the stubble on your chin

You're no good."

_You're no good._

"You've got dirt on your hands

And everybody understands

You're no good."

_Mmmm… you're no good._

"Oh, what a joke."

_What a joke_

"You feel like choking

You play for broke."

_You play for broke._

"He'll leave you smoking."

_Oh, romance is not a children's game._

"But you keep going back

It's driving you insane."

Magenta huddled up next to a wall, she let her head loll back as she sang, half imagining her brother's reedy voice accompanying her. Her eyelids were heavy and half closed as she tried to control the shaking of her hands.

Damn chocolate. Damn Frank. Damn Riff. Damn withdrawal. She groaned;

She'd never liked turkey when it was cold.

* * *

><p>"Drift into the Treacle deep<p>

Slip into its silent depths

(Go to sleep)

With your everything akimbo

Float into the sandman's limbo."

Frank sang quietly to himself as he drifted off to fantasise about Björn Ulvaeus, Tim Curry and Cary Grant, and himself, of course.

* * *

><p>Magenta finally began to skim the sea of sleep, the monitor played quietly in the background;<p>

__What is addiction?__

__That persuasive old fiend__

__A deadly affliction?__

__Or so we have gleaned.__

__Destroyer of life.__

__Better than the knife__

__For ridding you of husband or wife.__

__Whatever it be__

__Alcohol, sex, drug__

__Take it from me,__

__Stings like a salty slug.__

__And once you are broken__

__Your last word spoken__

__Your wounds open.__

__Then it will show a smile__

__One as bitter as bile;__

__It's time having been worthwhile.__

**_Well how about that? Judge Oliver Wright, everyone!_**

* * *

><p>"Good morning, Magenta," Riff Raff chapped on the door, receiving a knock of acknowledgment in return.<p>

"I missed you last night…," he put his lips to the keyhole and blew her a kiss before making his way to the kitchen, wringing his hands the entire way.

"…I missed you too, Riff…" came a whispered reply, heard only by a passing mouse.

* * *

><p>Riff Raff was jolted out of his depression by a loud blast of music coming from Frank's room.<p>

"Master?" he poked his head in, a tad scared of what he might see.

"Riff Raff!" Frank materialised in front of him and grabbed his arm, "Come, join me!" he ordered pulling the unwilling Riff into the room.

Frank grinned euphorically and began doing a jerky body-popping type dance to the deafening ABBA playing, "Voulez Vous!" he cried.

"Master!" Riff screamed in his ear, Frank barely heard him, "Could you please turn it down?"

"Sorry Riff Raff, I like my music how I like my orgasms; **loud**," he began banging his head and swinging his body from side to side, shaking his arms.

"Master, are you having some kind of fit?" Riff Raff was honestly worried.

Frank looked offended, "I'm dancing!" he rolled his eyes and put a hand on his hip, "I don't expect a philistine like you to understand," he said haughtily, continuing his seizure.

Riff Raff glared at him, "Philistine? Me?" he threw his jacket (and hump) off dramatically, causing Frank to look up from his break dancing routine.

"Riff Raff! How dare you remove your work garments! I told you; either work garments, or no garments!" Frank pouted, "There's no middle ground!"

"Just watch and learn, Master."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Ohhhhh, abrupt ending, much? What you've just experienced is my obligatory "angst chaper" a story just ain't a story without some good ole angst! Hopefully the few jokes I managed to slip in there lightened the mood a bit ;P<strong>

**Cultural Referances: **

**ABBA?- If you haven't heard of ABBA then I suggest you take your fingers out your ears, open your eyes, pull yourself out from under that rock you've been living under for the past few decades and move from Mars to Earth. And yes, I am aware that the songs Frank sings were recorded after RHPS, this is going to be expanded on in the next chapter.**

**Mouse?- A cameo of Desperaux... because I felt like it... from the Tale of Desperaux if you were wandering.**

**Lullaby?- An awesome song from (Ooooooh) Shock Treatment XD, I just had to! And yes, I know it's in the wrong order etc, but I really don't think Riff would be pervey enough to sing the first verse to his baby sister to help her get to sleep at night, I like to think that there was a toned down version for teh bebehs that Riff & Genta expanded on to amuse themselves ;) Also, I could imagine an oblivious Frank just mumbling it to himself. **

**Judge Oliver Wright?- The criminologist, I mean judge from (Oooooooh) Shock Treatment, he likes mumbling crap to himself, right? The person concluding the poem is Betty by the way.**

**Bjorn Ulvaeus, Tim Curry and Cary Grant?- Bjorn was a member of Abba, Tim Curry... well... and for you aforementioned Martions: Cary Grant is one of THE best actors ever, I could imagine Frank fantasising about him. Why didn't I include Fay Wray? You shall see...**

**Poem?- Not really cultural, I couldn't think of any songs or poems that were appropiate so I ad-libbed. Yes, I know that it is pure and utter crappy angsty cheese and feel free to mock me mercilessly, but meh, I ain't a poet and don't I know it!**

**Meatball?- From the expression "They're selling like hotcakes" (only with meatballs) is supposed to be stupid and stereotypical, is based a bit on the fact that one of the first lines in (Ohhhhhh) Shock Treatment is "Tolerance for the ethnic races" and then half an hour in and Mrs Janet's-Mum is like "Your father doesn't like mexicans" and the studio audience all cheer... expect a lot of this whenever DTV come on the monitors (SPOILER: and some cameos from our Shocky pals ;P)**

**Mirror Fetish?- Based on a scene in Friends where Bruce Willis guest stars and he looks in the mirror and... well, it never fails to make me snort like a pig to even think about it.. hehe *snort***

**Dancing Frank?- Modeled on Elaine's dance in Seinfeld the "Little Kicks" I believe they're called. **


	5. Ep 5: Dancing Queer Part II

**Disclaimer: (continued) ... Bwahahaha... seriously though, don't sue please...**

**IMPORTANT!: Ok, so far the chapters have all been light hearted lil bundles o' fluff, this chapter... well, the T rating kind of comes in, mostly for a very upsetting scene coming up. So, just a warning that the angst is not yet over, also there are a few flashbacks (where said angst mostly takes place) and some songs will pop up here and there (sung by a very angst Magenta BTW) don't worry, the light heartedness will return after the next chapter.**

**Also, some of you may notice that I have changed the chapters into episodes, this is because (once the angst dissipates) this fic will become a lot like a sitcom. It has been moving towards that point, so I decided to acknowledge and even welcome it. **

**Again, thanks to all my lovely reviewers who I hope will not be deterred by the outrageous angst and will stick around, this chapter will weed out the faint hearted... but I hope most of you will stick with it.**

**Side Note: I decided to do this iusing my native Brittish spelling/grammar/idiosyncrasies, although most of my readers are from America and Australia (c'mon Brits, you're letting the side down!) although the style is different from my usual... **

* * *

><p>Frank goggled as Riff Raff, pink and glistening with triumphant beads off sweat, dropped to the floor and threw his arms up in the air. His most awesome dance routine complete.<p>

"What do you think, Master?"

"Riff Raff…," Frank choked out, trying to find the right words to describe his amazement at his servant's transformation from gangly and awkward Riff Raff into suave and svelte… _Riff Raff_… "That was… _phenomenal_!" he winked, "Magenta's a luck girl."

The smug grin fell off Riff Raff's face, "No, she's really not…"

* * *

><p>Magenta had stopped counting the days. She knew that it had deffinitely been over a week. She couldn't complain of hunger, the dumb waitor catered to her every need. She couldn't shiver, her brother had provided her with enough blankets and bedding and space heaters that she was often more hot than cold. Boredom too was kept at bay by the helpful monitor that she kept on 247. She watched it so much that she would not be surprised if she discovered that her eyes had succumbed to that ridiculous earthling concept of becoming square shaped.

Despite all these comforts, Magenta had noticed that her sanity was gradually beginning to peel away, like cheap, flaking paint. To buy herself some time, she sang;

_If you like-a-me like I like-a-you_

_And we like-a both the same_

_I like-a say_

_This very day_

_I like-a change your name_

'_Cause I love-a-you and love-a-you true_

_And if you-a love-a me_

_One live as two, two live as one_

_Under the Bamboo tree_

_And every morning he would be_

_Down underneath the Bamboo tree_

_Awaiting there his love to see_

_And then to her he'd sing_

_If you like-a-me like I like-a-you_

_And we like-a both the –_

* * *

><p>"Ok, here we go… again… right," Riff Raff shimmied his ever-moving hands and hit the radio, "Forwards two-three-four, back two-three-four, to the side two-free-four, back two-three-four and slide, slide, slide, slide and dancey dancey dancey dancey ready to start again!"<p>

"Well, that was easy," Frank scoffed and slapped the radio into submission, "I feel that I am ready to move on to a more advanced level."

"Master, I really don't think -,"

"I don't need you to think, _I_ am the Prince, need I remind you, and _you_ are merely the lowly handyman." He sneered haughtily.

"Sorry… _Master_…" Riff Raff muttered acidly.

"All is forgiven, now… I think we need better music… how about some ABBA!" he squealed excitedly, ignoring Riff Raff's pleas for mercy.

* * *

><p><em>...There's a fine, fine line<em>

_Between a fairytale, and a lie_

_And there's a fine, fine line_

_Between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye"_

_I guess if someone doesn't love you back_

_It isn't such a crime_

_But there's a fine, fine line between love_

_And a waste of your time..._

* * *

><p>Riff Raff was normally a very patient man, he had guided Frank through the minefield of step-ball-change, gently steered him away from jazz hands and supported him as he limped through shuffle-ball-change. But the minute the ABBA came on, he had been out of there faster than a crack in glass.<p>

There was something about the soft croon of "I Have a Dream" that brought out the Michael Flatley in Frank.

Riff Raff shook his head and rubbed his palms together, he noticed that they were starting to blister from their constant movement. He frowned thoughtfully. Everywhere he went was marked by a trail of dead skin from the vigorous chaffing of his hands. They were getting redder everyday and stung whenever he touched anything, unfortunate seeing as he was always hard at work. What with Magenta locked up and suffering from withdrawal, his regular chores and the extra jobs that he was snatching up to keep his digits busy, he was quite literally working his fingers to the bone.

He stared at his pink palms for a second before shrugging and shaking them compulsively as he walked towards the door that concealed his lovely sister.

* * *

><p><em>I sense there's something in the wind<em>

_That feels like tragedy's at hand_

_And though I'd like to stay by him_

_Can't shake this feeling that I have_

_The worst is just around the bend..._

* * *

><p>"I believe in angels!" jazz hands, "Something good in everything I see!" more jazz hands, "I believe in angels!" twirl, for variety, "When I know the time is right for me!" and…, "I'll cross the stream, I have a dream!" yet more jazz hands!<p>

"Oh, yes!" Frank cried, his Cheshire cat grin in place, he'd successfully come up with a routine for every ABBA song.

He knew he was magnificent but he needed to go through the motions, pretend that he needed someone to tell him he was awesome, pretend that he was oblivious to the fact, that was how you really earned recognition, "Well Advisor, ready to tell me how fabulous I am?" he hit the remotular-controlling device.

_Super trouper beams are gonna blind me_

_But I won't feel blue_

_Like I always do_

'_Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you…_

_**You hear that? They're talking to you!**_

"Me?" Frank was flattered.

_**Yes, you! So come on down to the Denton Concert Hall tonight! There's still plenty of tickets left… trust me, there are…**_

_**Just show up with money, any amount, any currency and we'll let you in… details are on the screen… :(**_

Frank jumped up and down, "Oh, Advisor, you're a genius! This will be the perfect opportunity to showcase my newfound dance skills! Oh, I must get Riff Raff to whip me up a new outfit! And I'll need to borrow some of Magenta's make-up! And I'll need some shoes and -," the monitor suddenly went black, "That's weird, it's never done that before… oh, well!" Frank shrugged and sashayed off to design his new outfit.

* * *

><p><em>...Hi yo! We drift in and out<em>

_Hi yo! Sing into my mouth_

_Out of all those kinds of people_

_You got a face with a view_

_I'm just an animal looking for a home_

_Share the same space for a minute or two_

_And you love me 'til my heart stops_

_Love me 'til I'm dead_

_Eyes that light up, eyes look through you_

_Cover up the blank spots_

_Hit me on the head_

_Ah oo ..._

* * *

><p>Frank's hand stopped Riff Raff from getting any closer to his sister's door.<p>

"Riff Raff! I have a job for you!"

"Yes, Master?" he enquired, completely deadpan, hiding his alarm at the creepy grin that cut Frank's face in half.

* * *

><p><em>Think of me when you're out, when you're out there<em>

_I'll beg you nice from my knees_

_When the world treats you way too fairly_

_It's a shame I'm a dream_

_All I wanted was you_

_All I wanted was you_

_I think I'll pace my apartment a few times_

_And fall asleep on the couch_

_And wake up early to black and white re-runs_

_That escape from the mouth_

_Oh-oh_

_All I wanted was you_

_All I wanted was you..._

* * *

><p>"Master, I made you a new garment just yesterday, did it not please you?"<p>

"Oh, Riff Raff, it did at the time, but…," he bit his lip and sighed sadly, throwing an arm around Riff Raff's shoulders, "I need something that's a little more… better."

Riff Raff stared at him blankly, stupefied by the bad grammar and honeyed insult.

* * *

><p><em>...Promises mean everything when you're little<em>

_And the world's so big_

_I just don't understand how_

_You can smile with all those tears in your eyes_

_Tell me everything is wonderful now_

_Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now..._

* * *

><p>"Hurry up! The concert starts in four hours and I need to do my make-up!" Frank's foot tapping, sighing, yawning, throat clearing and finger drumming resumed for a while before her snapped again, "Can you not sew any faster?"<p>

"Do you not appreciate quality and craftsmanship, Master?" Riff Raff didn't bother to look up.

"Of course I do, I'm a _Prince_!" he emphasised, as if this automatically made him a fine connoisseur of arts.

"I am aware of your royal status, despite your reluctance to bring it up," Riff Raff said with a lip twitch.

"Don't get cheeky, Riff Raff," Frank sighed and leaned on an available surface, "I'll just go get Magenta to prepare my make-up."

Riff Raff was amused but unsurprised that Frank still hadn't noticed Magenta's disappearance. _It_ _must be nice to be so unconcerned with other's affairs_, he thought wryly, _your only worry that your lipstick doesn't fully complement your new highlights_.

"She's gone out," he said casually.

"She better not be meeting with that Candyman," Frank grumbled, "I had to throw out my lovely Persian rug after your little escapade," he narrowed his eyes, "The Zen Room will never be the same…," he sighed dramatically and put a hand to his forehead, "Oh, woe!"

"Master, it would be wise of you to apply your make-up now, so you can reach your destination early and acquire decent seating for your royal self," he schmoosed.

Frank snapped out of his depression, "Great thinking Riff Raff," he called as he scurried excitedly out of the dressing room leaving Riff Raff alone with his sewing and his memories...

* * *

><p>"Riff, please don't go! I'm not strong enough to do this by myself!" Magenta had cried and grabbed his leg, a stunt she used to pull when he started school and she had to stay at home.<p>

"Magenta! Come now! I have to go, I'm starting to lose myself!" he tried to reason with her as he shook his leg.

"If you go then you'll lose me!" she exclaimed dramatically, digging her nails into his leg.

"It would happen eventually if I stayed anyway," he mumbled darkly, "I'm not… stable, I don't trust myself…," he tried to put his deep mistrust of himself and his unravelling mind into words, "It's for everyone's safety and well-being, please understand!"

"It's because I'm fat, right? The chocolate made me fat!" she wailed.

"Look, Magenta," he leaned down (not an easy feat considering her iron grip on his calf) and looked in her eyes, tucking a stray hair behind her ear, "I need you to understand… I'm doing this because I love you, I have been trying to hide my dark side from you these past few weeks, but it's gotten a bit… out of hand. I don't want you to be around when I snap, nor do I want to be near you when your mind goes ping," he tweaked at her nose at the ping, "Please, let me go, I will return, I promise, I would never leave you alone with the Master indefinitely, you know me better than that, dear sister."

"Riff…," she gave up with a huff of breath and relinquished her grip.

"Magenta…," he replied and whispered a kiss into her lips.

Defeated, she turned away, refusing to watch him walk out of her life.

Frank met him in the hall, "Enjoy rehab!" he said cheerfully, slapping him on the back.

"It's not rehab…" he muttered as he left, glancing over his shoulder to see if Magenta had exited her huff.

He was met with the sight of Frank gleefully waving him off, like a mother watching her child set off on his first day of school.

"Have fun!"

* * *

><p>His visit back to the castle had not been a happy one.<p>

It had started out well enough; Magenta met him at the gates with a constricting hug and a cry of, "I _missed _you!" as she squeezed the air out of his lungs. Frank gave the two of them a day off, a rare occurrence.

"You only have a week here, you might as well enjoy it!" he had smiled indulgently.

"He's been dabbling in the pleasures of cocoa," Magenta had explained to him later.

Actually, it continued to go well for six whole days. Chocolate had mellowed Frank out and instead of burying Riff Raff in odd jobs, he spent his time relaxing with a big dopey smile on his face, making odd comments about everything and giggling like an idiot at anything he found mildly suggestive (which included anything as ordinary as spreading jam on toast, apparently).

The siblings were free to revel in the happiness of being together, talking for hours on end or spending a whole day just walking around the grounds, hand in hand, sneaking love-sick glances at each other.

They had noticed how pretty the Earth looked during daylight hours, and so decided to try and change their sleeping patterns and purchase some sunscreen. Frank scoffed and remained nocturnal, which gave them even more time to themselves.

All in all, Riff Raff thoroughly enjoyed those six days, they were six of the best of his life, until it all went south on the seventh.

Riff Raff was dreading the seventh and last day, he really didn't want to go back to that-place-that-wasn't-rehab, but his treatment was not yet over, he still couldn't trust himself, and so he accepted that he must return.

Magenta however, stubbornly refused to accept this.

"You don't need to go back, you're cured!" she had grabbed his shoulder and shook him vigorously.

The only unpleasantness Riff Raff experienced during the first six days were the incidents when Magenta brought up their addiction issues.

"I don't see why we can't continue eating chocolate," she argued, "It's cocoa, not cocaine!"

"It might as well be, for us anyway. It has the same affect on us as illegal drugs do on earthlings," Riff Raff replied coolly.

Still, she would not see logic and continued to bring it up.

He was awoken on the seventh day by an excited poke from Magenta.

"Huh, Magenta, what is it?" he rubbed his eyes and noticed that she was wearing a particularly arousing piece of lingerie.

She grinned at him, "I have a plan! Quick, put this on!" she threw a similar outfit at him.

He shrugged and put it on, experience had taught him that he would only discover what her plan was if he went along with it for a while.

"Perfect," she licked her lips, her eyes had a manic glint in it, "Now, close your eyes and don't open them until I tell you to."

He sighed but obliged. He felt her smear foundation on his face, followed by lipstick, eye shadow and liner, mascara and powder. If he weren't so tired he would have protested, instead he dozed off for a bit, it was exceedingly early and he and Magenta had been up all night.

"Ok, you can open your eyes now!" she giggled, a bit hysterically.

He opened his eyes to be greeted by a mirror shoved in his face, "Oh my!" he looked more like Magenta than he ever had before, now they were recognisable as siblings... well, more like sisters, "What's this for?"

"Well… I have a plan that will benefit both us," she said mysteriously.

Riff Raff waited patiently for her to continue.

"Now, wait until I've finished before you voice your opinions," she warned, he mimed zipping his lips, something he'd learned from watching a "Sit. Com.".

"Ok," she nervously smoothed down her curls, which she'd uncharacteristically and noticeably styled until they rolled around her as seductive waves of lava, "I was thinking that… well, first of all, let us admit that we are both still craving cocoa, don't deny it!" she silenced him before he protested, "And that we are both half-hoping that the Master will relent and allow us to call our dear old friend, the Candyman," both of them sighed, "We have learned that secretly rendezvousing with him is out of the question, as the Master always tests us whenever we return to the castle. The same applies to his supply of chocolate, as he counts it every night before locking it in his safe, along with his ABBA posters and pictures of Richard O'Brien that he thinks we don't know about," they both shuddered, remembering, "So, the only _logical _solution seems to be that we must, ahem, _convince _him to allow us to feed our need," she caught his eye and gave him a steady gaze until he realised.

"Have you finished your explaining?"

"Yes."

"Magenta! How could you even consider such a thing? I can't believe this! I -,"

"Please Riff, I'd be doing it for the both of us! Or you could do it, if you'd prefer, or we could do it together, or -,"

"Listen to yourself Magenta! I don't like what it's doing to us… maybe it's a good thing he cut us off…" he paused and twisted his fingers, "… maybe we should have never tried it, we were warned of what Earth substances could do to us…," he tailed off sadly and looked at her, she didn't look like his sister, she looked a prostitute trying to pay for her drug habits. He slowly got up, silently packed his stuff and left, not caring about the weird looks he was sure to get out on the street.

Magenta's eyes never left him, she waited until he had left the grounds before she allowed herself to break, to cry, to curse herself, to curse Frank, to curse chocolate, to curse Earth.

And to bless her brother.

* * *

><p>Riff Raff cursed himself. What kind of an idiot was he? Strolling down a street in broad daylight and in full drag! In Texas as well! The citizens of Denton soon righted him, he was lucky to make it back to the castle in one piece, if you didn't count his red, curly wig being blown away during the chase.<p>

He sighed heavily, his make-up hid most of his blush as he entered the castle, reeking of shame.

He headed upstairs to the bedchamber he shared with Magenta, to remove his make-up and get dressed in traditional male clothing.

He turned the door knob, meeting resistance. That was odd… she must have locked the door. He shuddered as he remembered their argument, what if she was in there with Frank?

He knocked, "Magenta..?" He called warily.

"Don't come in!" she cried, much more high pitched than usual. Disappointment and jealously coursed through his blood, heating it up, giving him strength.

"Magenta!" he called again, louder, more forceful as he threw himself against the door, determined to stop her.

"Go away!" was her squeaky response.

The mad jealously helped him to break down the door, "Magenta? Why is it so dark?" he demanded, confused.

"I said don't look at me!" her new squeaky voice came from the corner.

He turned the lights on and immediately wished he hadn't.

"Magenta!"

"Don't look at me! Don't look at me! Don't look at me!" she screamed until her sobs overpowered her vocal chords.

She held a bloody knife in her hand and had "CHOCOLATE" carved into her corpse coloured thigh.

Riff Raff ran to her, threw the knife across the room in blind panic and scooped her up as she dissolved in front of him.

"Magenta…" he cooed brokenly as he sobbed and stroked her hair. She wailed hysterically into him as he held her, running his shaking hands along her convulsing spine.

* * *

><p>He was met by a confused Frank later that night.<p>

"Aren't you supposed to be back in rehab by now?"

Riff Raff shook his head, "I can't leave Magenta," he said calmly, trying to hide his soul-wrenching anger and grief behind a mask of calm indifference.

Frank shrugged and turned away to put his bowl of cereal in the microwave, not seeing Riff Raff's glare of unbridled, murderous hatred.

_You did this to us, to her_, it said, _and you will pay_.

* * *

><p>"Riff?" Magenta called sleepily.<p>

"It's ok, my love, I'm right here, I brought you something," he handed her a small wrapped square.

She gasped, "You brought me chocolate?" her eyes took up half her pale face, "But Riff -,"

"I'd rather you were addicted to a drug than to a knife," he said coldly.

She attempted to smile at him but instead broke down in tears again.

"There there," Riff shushed her tenderly and smudged her tears away.

She gasped again, "Riff! Your hands!"

He followed her worried look to his shaking hands. He was unsurprised, they hadn't stopped shaking since that morning.

"It's you I'm worried about," he told her simply before she melted into him.

"I hate this, Riff," she said finally, "I hate what it's done to us – what it's making me do to you!" she shivered, "If you ever see me… _like that _again, I want you to lock me in The Room," she looked at him levelly.

He winced a bit. The Room was where Frank threw his servants if they "misbehaved" as he called it. Windowless and Baltic, it was little more than a mouldy cardboard box, with a monitor inside, so those on the outside could communicate with the offender.

He began to shake his head but she caught it between her hands, "Please Riff, I'd do it for you," she tried to hazard a smile which came out as a lopsided grimace, "Promise?"

He took in her saucer eyes, corpse complexion and bandaged thigh, "Ok…," he whispered closing his eyes, they cuddled up together like foetuses, each pretending to the other that they had succumb to sleep. Each pretending to believe the other.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Wow, that has to be the most emotionally draining chapter I've ever written... I never intended for it to turn out like this, I don't know what happened... I mostly ad-lib my way through the chapters but this one really surprised me... I was a bit worried about writing about the tender issue of self-harm, and am loathe to writing it in future chapters, so don't worry if it makes you uncomfortable, this will be the worse chapter I will write regarding drama and angst and tragedy. *sigh* At the risk of sounding hopelessly pretentious and self-pitying, I feel obliged to add that the issue of self-harm is not unfamiliar to me, to deter any "What is this bullshit? You don't know what you're talking about" type comments (which I would really not appreciate) yes, I used to do it and I have some friends who still do it. Don't worry, I stopped long ago and got the necessary help. I hope I have not scared anyone off this story, again, I promise that it is all uphill from here and that the angst sessions will be few and far apart. Angst chapters are hard for me to write as I am constantly pussy footing around, trying not to go too far or not far enough, especially when the whole thing is over something as ridiculous as chocolate. I had no intention of bad-mouthing my dearest friend, as it was originally put in as a cute oneshot. I think that I have accidently created some kind of subliminal Anti-Drugs thing, which was never my intention. Again, I hope you will not be warded off and will give this story another chance, as soon as it gets out of the angsty hell of the "ABBA Palooza" series. *sigh*<strong>

**And yes, I am aware of the ridiculous ludicrousness of self-harm over chocolate in a chapter christened "ABBA Palooza", the title was decided before I knew I was going to write about this particular subject, ditto chocolate and chocolate is basically a metaphor for drugs in this universe, apparently (no, I don't do drugs, just chocolate ;P) so I hope not to get any comments pointing out these issues as I have already explained them.**

**Cultural Referances: About these, they are not mandatory, they are just there to help anyone who is a bit confused and as part of the disclaimer as I am uber paranoid of being sued. Sad? Very.**

**Michael Flatley? - A famous American renown for his Irish Dancing, I know this as he was mentioned in an episode of Friends "His limbs move as if independant of his body!" I am, of course, paraphrasing. I strongly suggest looking him up on youtube... he is very captivating to watch.**

**Riff in drag? - From the ROTOQ script I read online, the unfilmed sequal to RHPS**

**Magenta's songs? - The first one is that fuzzy song from The Man With Two Brains, where Steve Martin first meets his future wife; a singing brain in a jar. The second is an excerpt from There's a Fine, Fine Line, Kate Monster's big emotional song in Avenue Q. The third is the first verse of Sally's Song from the Nightmare Before Christmas, when she is all miserable because her foggy potion failed and is depressed about her apparently unrequited love for Jack. Next up is This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody) by Talking Heads, my dad recently got me obsessed with their album Stop Making Sense and I've been listening to it non-stop, I listened to it on youtube whilst my iPod charged and would suggest that if you want to listen to it, look for the Stop Making Sense version of it, the other one is way worse, in my opinion anyway. All I Wanted by Paramore, an eerie song, I could imagine Patricia Quinn's voice gliding over this one. Wonderful by Everclear, I heard this song on Scrubs ages ago and became obsessed with it, a very emotional and awesome song.**

**Dance Moves? - Exact quotes from various PE teachers coercing us into traditional Scottish dancing for Ceilidhs that we refuse to attend. I think that Riff is teaching Frank the Canadian Barn Dance but I'm not sure, I try to repress all recollection of these annual sessions, but I have the occasioanl nightmare featuring those words. Also step-ball-change and co. are brief recollections of my time at Dance Class... ****another repressed memory in progress.**

**Pictures of Richard O'Brien? - I recently saw a few pictures of Ritz celebrating his 66th birthday in drag. In one picture he was very tasteful and elegant; blonde wig, maxi dress and in another, channeling the Kate Moss look; tousled hair, smoking a fag and showing a nipple. I think that Frank would appreciate the latter.**

**ABBA: Goes without saying**

**Crack in Glass: A line in the poem A Case Of Murder that I did in school a couple of years ago, about a cat that gets sliced in half... I didn't pick it, yeesh!**

**Cereal in Microwave? - Just another referance to the oneshot that started this whole charade, microwaved cereal is quite and acquired taste I would think...**

**Mind Goes Ping? - A line from RHPS itself, at the end of the ill-fated Floor Show, when they all do the can-can ;P**

**Don't believe I've missed anything out...**

**Again, I'm very sorry for this chapter and I congratulate anyone who has gotten down this far.**


	6. Ep 6: Flashback Gordon

**Disclaimer: An unnecessary necessity...**

**AN: Ok, I know I promised an end to the angst, but I had to continue the flashbacks *face palms* yes, more upsetting scenes coming up... don't worry, the next chapter will be stuffed with so much fluff it's make a teddy bear look like a flat tyre ;P**

**Thanks to all those who reviewed and stuck with this story, it's nice to know I'm not talking to myself ;D**

* * *

><p>"What's that on your leg?" Riff Raff demanded. Magenta had just stepped out the shower and he had taken the opportunity to scan her for scars.<p>

"Hm?" Magenta followed her brother's gaze to the small cut on her shin, "It's ok Riff, I just cut myself shaving," she went over and stroked his shiny bald patch, admiring how the light bounced off it, "You know, although I do miss your hair, this bald patch is kind of growing on me," she winked at him as he snickered.

"Seriously, it makes you look older and more defined."

"Lolita," Riff Raff twitched his lip and turned to lightly prod her lips with his.

He pulled back when Magenta attempted to deepen the kiss and continued to read his newspaper.

She groaned, "Come one, Riff! It's been over a week! Am I that repulsive?"

"Magenta, please, you're beginning to sound like the Master."

She smacked his head, "I hate it when you use that tone! You sound so wise and mature like your way older than you really are," she pulled a face.

"I thought you liked me being "older" and "more defined", dear sister?" he twitched his lip and earned another playful smack.

* * *

><p>"Riff Raff?"<p>

"Yes, Master?"

"I noticed that one of my chocolates has strayed away from its herd…"

Riff Raff remained silent.

"Do you, by chance, know what happened to it?"

"Why would I, Master?"

"Because, Riff Raff, chocolates do not simply grow legs and run away!" Frank snapped at him and revealed the whip that he had hidden behind his back.

"No, Master, I swear -,"

"You. Don't. Eat. _My_. Chocolate!" he emphasised each word with a crack of the whip on Riff Raff's fleeing back, "You. Don't. Eat. Chocolate. At. All!" he had Riff cornered.

Riff Raff cowered as Frank went into a cruel frenzy of violence. His face twisted and red, spittle shot out his mouth as he screeched with fury, "Understand?" he gave one final lash before composing himself and calmly walking away.

"Yes, Master," Riff called feebly as he trembled, his hands shaking even worse than before.

* * *

><p>Magenta terminated the hairdryer and unplugged it, she was a bit of a safety freak.<p>

She checked her hair in the mirror and fluffed it up a bit before applying a light coat of make-up. She had the day off today, not because Frank had given it to her, but because Riff Raff hadn't allowed her to work since _that day_.

She glanced at herself in the mirror and decided to change her outfit. As she took off the pair of denim Earth trousers (or jeans, she reminded herself) she noticed the crude scratch in her thigh.

She shuddered and put on a baggy Earth t-shirt and a pair of Riff Raff's boxer shorts. She looked in the mirror again and decided to remove the make-up. She gently wiped it off and instead applied some moisturiser. She stared at her reflection for a while before yanking her hair back into a messy bun, not bothering to tuck the misbehaving strands behind her ears. Much better, she thought as she collapsed onto the cushy double bed. She frowned at the remotular-controlling device for a moment before experimentally prodding a button.

The monitor zapped to life and began to emit loud rock and/or roll music. Magenta found herself bopping her head and popping her shoulders a bit, grinning wildly. She goggled in amazement at the monitor as planets and Earth writing zapped about the screen playfully to the upbeat tune.

_As many intelligent people know, aliens are all around us. This is a story of a band of four such explorers. In order to blend in, they have assumed human form. This is the high commander;_

A pudgy man with grey hair was shown, amongst the flow of clips.

_He has assembled an elite team of experts; A decorated military officer…_

An attractive Amazon type blonde woman appeared.

… _a seasoned intelligence specialist…_

A young skinny boy with shoulder lengths hair popped up.

_And, well, they had an extra seat._

A squinting man with a big furry yeti jacked cavorted onto the screen.

Magenta gasped. (The reader is reminded that they believe television to be real) There were other aliens on Earth?

She turned up the volume and leaned forward. The four were not Transylvanian, that was sure. Apparently their original forms were "gelatinous purple tubes" and they were nonsexual, reproduction was achieved by sending packets of genetic material to each other in the mail.

Magenta laughed at such a thought. She laughed a lot during the show, she could really relate to them. Although they seemed like total opposites, they had politics in common; a dictatorship. Though they selected their leader by seeing which candidate could outrun a giant ball of fire whilst Transylvanians only did that to their politicians.

She was sad when the show ended.

"Aw," she huffed, it had really taken her mind off things.

She adjusted herself on the bed, squirming around to get a bit more comfortable, her hand felt something. She discovered it to be the chocolate that Riff had given her.

She bit her lip. She really didn't want to got down that road again… didn't want to hurt her brother…

But.

_He _had given it to her. _He _had said it was alright.

She slowly began to unwrap it, revelling in that familiar and missed excitement.

It would be a good thing to eat it… it was a test really… if she could take a small bite and then leave it, then she'd know that she'd conquered her addiction.

She licked a corner.

Well, that was too easy, not a real test really. She could do better than that surely. A nibble. Hmmm, still not enough really, she had to be positive that she was over it. A bite. Not quite there yet. A chunk. Almost.

And so as Magenta slowly devoured the chocolate, bit by bit, whilst, simultaneously, her brother received a lash for every bite she took. Unaware she finished the whole thing.

"Oh well, no harm done."

* * *

><p>"Goddamn it, stop shaking!" Riff Raff yelled at his trembling hands, "Come on!" he shook them in anger.<p>

He had composed and cleaned himself as much as he could, he didn't want to add to Magenta's stress.

At the thought of his sister, his hands shook even more, "Goddamn it!" he cried again.

* * *

><p>Magenta idly flicked through the channels, trying to catch another episode of that alien show.<p>

She looked out the window, it was starting to get light, where was her brother?

They were still in the process of changing their nocturnal habits and normally fell asleep just after midnight and woke before noon.

The door creaked open and Riff stepped in.

"Riff? Are you alright? Why are you so late?"

"Magenta? You're still awake?" he sounded disappointed.

"Riff? _Are _you ok?"

"Sure, I'm fine," she could dimly see him, the monitor had coated him in a pale blue glow, making him look like a ghost, he attempted a smile, "Did you enjoy the chocolate?"

"Yes," she admitted, smiling also.

"That's good," she thought she heard him mumble, "It was all worth it then," but she couldn't be sure.

* * *

><p>Magenta was awoken the next day by the sound of a shower running. She noticed that Riff was absent from the bed and pouted before an idea formulated in her brain.<p>

Still a bit stoned from the chocolate, she giggled manically and headed for the door that concealed her showering brother.

She slowly opened it and stealthily tip-toed in.

She shrieked with laughter suddenly and yanked back the shower curtain.

"Magenta!"

"Riff!" her laughter got stuck in her throat and her smile slide off her face and landed on the tiled floor with an audible plop, "Your… back…" she whispered in horror, reaching out a shaking hand to touch one of the bloody scars.

"What… I mean, who… I – I…" she caught his sad gaze and understood, "It's because you took his chocolate, isn't it?"

He nodded.

* * *

><p>Magenta had begged Riff Raff to allow her to work that day, but he insisted that he was perfectly able.<p>

"Come on Riff! You wince in pain every time you move your spine, your hands won't stop shaking, _I'm_ fine!" she said just a bit too loudly, her eyes widening.

He was adamant that she rested and locked her in their room.

She huffed onto the bed miserably and turned on the monitor she was lucky enough to catch the end of that alien show, it was a particularly funny episode where the High Commander; Dick, discovered smoking and ended up locked outside a dentist's office. It took her mind off things, then it ended.

She groaned, beyond miserable.

She switched the monitor to a random music channel and searched for something to do that would relieve her pain.

_I scraped my knees when I was praying_

_And found a demon in my safest haven, seems like_

_It's getting harder to believe in anything_

_Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts…_

She wished she hadn't eaten all that chocolate yesterday, then there'd be some left…

_I wanna know what it'd be like_

_To find perfection in my pride_

_To see nothing in the light…_

…she wasn't in the mood for singing, besides, the song that was on just now was good…

_Or turn it off in all my spite…_

She continued to search around the room for something to occupy her…

_In all my spite…_

She wandered into the toilet, planning on having a bubble bath, she turned the taps on and sloshed some of Riff's shower gel in, wanting his scent around her…

_I'll turn it off…_

She hopped in before the water reached the halfway mark, wanted to surround herself in her brother's stench…

_And the worst part is_

_Before it gets any better_

_We're heading for a cliff_

_And in the free fall I will realise…_

She began shaving her legs…

_I'm better off when I hit the bottom…_

She winced as she accidently cut herself…

_The tragedy, it seems unending_

_I'm watching every I looked up to break and bending_

_We're taking shortcuts and false solutions_

_Just to come out the hero…_

She stared as the cut began to sweat small beads of red…

_Well I can see behind the curtain (I can see, yeah yeah) _

_The wheels are cranking, turning_

_It's all wrong the way we're working_

She watched as the beads built up and began tracing scarlet lines down her leg…

_Towards a goal that's nonexistent…_

She closed her eyes as the tension and angst leaked down her leg with the beads and dissipated in the water…

_It's nonexistent…_

Her eyes snapped open as she realised what was happening…

_But we just keep believing…_

She jumped out the tub in a panic and grabbed a towel, rubbing at her leg furiously…

_And the worst part is_

_Before it gets any better_

_We're heading for a cliff_

_And in the free fall I will realise…_

Scared, she hopped into the bedroom, towel still wrapped around her leg…

_I'm better off when I hit the bottom…_

She pulled on yesterday's outfit of t-shirt and boxers…

_I wanna know what it'd be like…_

Hesitantly, she peeled the towel away…

_To find perfection in my pride_

_To see nothing in the light…_

She grimaced at the painfully noticeable scrape, smudged blood blotted the line and gave it the appearance of a pair of bleeding lips…

_And turn it off in all my spite…_

She quickly yanked on a pair of over the knee socks…

_In all my spite… _

But…

_I'll turn it off…_

… not before she added a few more scars to her collection.

_Just turn it off again…_

* * *

><p>Riff Raff limped through his chores, Frank was giving him the silent treatment for stealing his chocolate, for this, Riff Raff was glad.<p>

It was actually quite a good day for him, since Frank was too busy flouncing around like a wounded prima donna, he hadn't the chance to unload any random odd jobs onto Riff Raff, and so he enjoyed a rarely calm day and actually finished early for the first time.

He whistled cheerfully as he headed up to his shared bedchamber, eager to finally satisfy his sister after a week of abstinence.

He happily unlocked the door and smiled indulgently when he noticed his sister's unconscious form on the bed.

Her skin was pink and soapy and her hair was damp and frizzy, obviously having taken a bath. There was something about seeing her looking so vulnerable, not slathered in make-up and bound in revealing clothes, that warmed him greatly. He went over and inhaled her scent deeply.

He grinned as he recognised the familiar scent of his shower gel, she must have really missed him.

His lips strolled up and down her neck tenderly as he slowly drew her into the land of the awake.

"Mmmm, Riff Raff?" she asked groggily.

"The one and only," he replied cheekily, continuing his gentle trail on her neck.

She sighed happily and looped her arms around his neck, "I missed you, brother," she said.

"As did I, sister," he replied, his hands exploring her legs. Was she wearing over the knee socks? He shrugged and began to remove them.

It took her a moment to notice this, "No!" she jolted up in fear, completely awake.

He frowned at her, "Magenta…," she wouldn't look at him, "Magenta…" he repeated, the truth starting to dawn on him, "What did you do?"

* * *

><p>Back in the present, Riff Raff winced.<p>

"_It's for your own good, Magenta, I'm sorry."_

_*slam*_

"…_Riff?"_

_*sobbing*_

"_I'm so sorry… Magenta…"_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Sorry! I feel like such a lousy liar :( <strong>

**I had to finish the flashbacks! I solemnly swear that _this_ will definitely be the last angst chapter, at least for a while, the next one will focus mainly on Frank, as the whole ABBA Palooza farce was supposed to, but somehow Riff and Genta snuck in and poured their angsty problems all over it... c'est la vie, I guess...**

**Cultural Referances:**

**Flashback Gordon? - Pun of Flash Gordon**

**Alien Show? - 3rd Rock From The Sun, I haven't mentioned the Solomons in a while, I thought that it would be nice if the future monitor picked them up, I know I swapped the voice over thing with the title sequence, but it made more sense that way... *sigh* also, the one where Dick starts smoking is a real episode, one of my favourites actually.**

**Angsty Song? - Turn It Off by Paramore, I was considering Playing God, also by Paramore, but eventially chose this one.**

**Addiction Test? - from the Simpsons when Lisa goes on a diet, she goes psycho and eats all of Lenny's cake, poor Lenny... **


	7. Ep 7: Dancing Queer Part III

**Disclaimer: This may shock you, but no, I don't own it**

**AN: Huzzah! Finally, a chapter unworthy of it's T rating! Minor angst in here guys, most of it from a disgruntled Frank ;P **

**Again, I will get on my knees and thank all of you who survived the Almighty ABBA Angst Apocalypse and reviewed, special shout out to Voldemort's Beloved Wife for the Dancing Queen suggestion ;P I've starting to experience what can only be described as an ABBA block and my mind just goes blank whenever I try to think of a song, even one as famous as that ;D**

**Also, Frank is going to be calling a lot of every day objects fancy names, like how the remote control is a remotular-controlling device, just a bit of a warning ;P**

**And that I was listening to Magic Dance by David Bowie (from the movie Labrynth) whilst writing most of this... so tread carefully :\**

* * *

><p><em>Friday night and the lights are low<em>

_Looking out for the place to go_

_Where they play the right music, getting in the swing_

_You come in to look for a king_

_Anybody could be that guy_

_Night is young and the music's high_

_With a bit of rock music, everything is fine_

_You're in the mood for a dance_

_And when you - **garble gurble grorble grooble**_

The music came to a stop with a gurgled bubbling noise.

"Damn," Frank frowned, ceasing his crazed arm flailing,"Stupid piece of junk!" he kicked the sound-wave-transporter and pouted, "I'll have to speak to Riff Raff of this. It's atrocious! You have it on for five minutes and KERBLAM!" he shook his head sadly, ignoring the fact that he had played it continuously for thirteen hours.

He glanced at the time-notifier and eeped, "It shall have to wait, I'm going to be late!" he chuckled at his ingenious rhyme (worth of Benny Andersson) and grabbed his feather boa.

* * *

><p>"There, little one," Riff Raff allowed a small trickle of water to seep out of the watering can in an effort to rejuvenate the wilting azalea, "Drink up," he said tenderly. Although reluctant at first to add gardening to the growing list of pointless and demeaning labours that he must perform daily, Riff Raff had come to love the various plant matter that sprouted up around the castle and had even gone as far as to feel a fatherly sort affection for the little sprouts.<p>

He smiled sappily as he noticed that the last of the nasturtiums had bloomed before a heart wrenching grown of despair drew him to the castle gates.

"Master, whatever is wrong?"

Frank looked up from his seething and muttered cursing, "I'll tell you what's wrong! They've gone and put a bloody river smack bang on my planned route!" he steamed and stomped his foot in annoyance.

"Really?" Riff Raff frowned and came over to take a look, "Uh, you haven't left the castle yet have you?"

"No, I have you two to leave for me," he sniffed haughtily.

Riff Raff sighed and stepped towards the river.

Frank gasped, "Riff Raff! You can walk on water!"

Riff Raff ignored the urge to face palm, "No Master, look," he stomped, "The river is firm."

Frank glared at him suspiciously and experimentally tapped the surface with his toe, "Why, it's some kind of settlement-connector! Or maybe a transportational-surface or -,"

"Earthlings simply call it a _road_," Riff Raff interrupted, "I thought you'd have watched enough television to know that by now."

Frank grinned sheepishly, "Well, I may have heard someone mention it in passing…," he goggled, "But I never imagined it would be like this!" he dropped to his knees and ran his hands over it in wonder, muttering in astonishment.

"I can tell that you will blend in well," Riff Raff muttered, his lip twitching.

* * *

><p>"Excuse me, good sir, could you direct me to the VIP seating please?"<p>

"Whit?" The bus driver was not amused. Having Denton High on his bus route had significantly reduced his sense of nature, and general good-hearted nature. Not that either of the two had exactly been in plentiful supply to begin with.

"Well," Frank leaned in as if to tell him a secret, "I don't want to draw to much attention to myself, but I _am _Royalty…," he raised his eyebrows as if this was some sort of secret code between himself and the driver.

A blank stare soon righted him.

Frank huffed, "Well, I'm certainly not going anywhere near them!" he shuddered and glared at the rest of the passengers.

The bus driver sighed in response and, determined to reach this certain passenger's destination as soon as humanly possible, floored the pedal so quickly that some unassuming passenger tumbled straight onto another's lap.

Frank snickered and attempted to engage the driver in conversation, "Stupid peasants," he winked, trying to appeal to the man's sense of authority.

He couldn't resist an agreeing grunt in response.

"I admire you for being able to cope with interacting with them on a daily basis, I personally am only able to tolerate breathing the same air as them," he paused, "And that's when I'm in a generous mood!" he chuckled, trying to get a decent response out of the impassive driver.

He received another grunt for his efforts.

Bored and disappointed at the lack of attention, he resigned himself to leaning on a pole in silence, humming Mamma Mia under his breath.

* * *

><p>Riff Raff wandered the halls in a deceptively aimless fashion.<p>

He was particularly unrecognisable in his gardening gear; straw hat, overalls and pitch fork (which he used to keep the nosey deer away from his various plants).

Finally, he came to the hallway of his desire. He crept towards the dense wooden door, his pace getting slower with each step.

He reached a hand up to knock and…

…froze. His hand remained suspended in the air, his mouth half open in a greeting, half beginning to smile as he thought of her voice…

… her sad, worn voice – the voice that his cruelty had saddened and worn.

A sigh was all that came out his hanging mouth and his hand moved to pinch the bridge of his nose.

He was about to slump away when…

_Any minute now, my ship is coming in_

_I'll keep checking the horizon_

_I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing_

_Come crashing down_

_Down_

_Down,_

_On me…_

…she sounded so… accepting… like there was no point in hoping, she wasn't sad, this was worse than sad, this was… defeat…

Panicking, Riff Raff hastily added;

"And you say, be still my love

Open up your heart

Let the light shine in…"

_But don't you understand?_

_I already have a plan_

_I'm waiting for my real life to begin..._

"When I woke today, suddenly nothing happened

But in my dreams, I slew the dragon

And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane…"

_I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again_

_And you say, just be here now_

_Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin_

_Let me throw one more dice_

_I know that I can win_

_I'm waiting for my real life to begin_

There was a silence as both siblings dropped to the floor in respect and picked themselves up again.

"Riff?"

"Yes, Magenta."

"I think I'm ready to come out now."

* * *

><p>"Owwwwww! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow-eeeeeeee! You fool! You idiot! Argh!" Frank screamed and thrashed around in pain.<p>

The bus driver choked back a laugh, "There's folk tryin' tae get on the bus, ye wannae get out the way, hen?"

"My foot's caught in the door you twit!" he ceased his squirming for a moment, "And I am most certainly not a hen! I am a rooster!" he glared at the bemused driver as the door unfolded and freed Frank, "I think that I shall get off now," he paused, "Here, you're only getting a _15% _tip!" he slammed some coins onto the dashboard, confusing the driver even more and flounced off the bus, as if this was some great insult.

"Stupid Scotsman," he mumbled, limping a little.

The driver heard this and glared as he closed the doors again, glowering at Frank as he tested his heels to make sure they weren't damaged.

He took great delight in driving full force through that big deep puddle next to the pavement.

* * *

><p>"Excuse me, can you please point me in the direction where I would find the Denton Concert Hall?"<p>

The girl looked at the dripping transvestite in front of her, not with disgust or fright like so many others, or feigned tolerance and an exaggerated smile.

She looked at him like a kid who'd spotted a stray ticket to Disney Land lying in the street.

"Well, hi!" she whooped in a voice that most people achieved by inhaling helium.

Frank had to squint to look directly at her, her sequin outfit and hundred watt smile blinding his nocturnal eyes.

"Er, yes, hello," he shook her offered hand.

She slapped his back, "Are you a Buddy's Buddies fan too?"

"No, actually I'm there for ABBA," he said smugly.

"ABBA? You mean that Swedish band?" she wrinkled her brow.

"Actually, their impersonators, also called ABBA," he leaned in, "You get it? It's ABBA spelt backwards!" he giggled with excited glee.

"_Ohhhhhhhh_, I was wondering how they'd get all the way over here from Britain!" she punched his arm and snorted.

Frank rubbed his arm, "Yes, ha ha," he said weakly, a little frightened and worried by her geographical skills, considering that he was asking her for directions, "So… you know how to get there?"

"Well, I should hope so! I'm heading there just now!" Frank earned another punch, on the exact same spot, "Hey! Instead of _telling _you how to get there, how about I _take _you there!" she clapped her hands and squealed.

"Actually, I'm er -,"

"Great!" she grabbed his arm, "Ok! Let's go!"

* * *

><p>"What do you mean you've never heard of it?" Frank threw his arms onto the glass booth, startling the skittish attendant.<p>

"Uh, look man… let me just go get my supervisor –,"

"No, you look, _man_, my Royal Advisor never lies! The concert was clearly designated as being on _tonight_! I cannot help it if you are an ignorant fool, now please accept my money and let me in!"

"Mr. Costanza! It's happening again!" the teen squealed in a pitch that rivalled the sparkly girl's.

"Look, Frankie, I don't think it's on tonight… I never saw the adverts…"

"You must have! They were on all the time! They played Dancing Queen, Super Trouper, Waterloo…," he tailed off as the sparkly girl and the squeaky teen exchanged glances.

"Urgh!" Frank decided to admit defeat and go home before anything else happened to him.

* * *

><p>"Hey, Riff Raff."<p>

"Yes?"

"I meant to tell you…"

"Hm?"

"You remind me of the babe."

"What babe?"

"The babe with the power."

"What power?"

"The power of the Voodoo."

"Who do?"

"You do."

"Do what?"

"Remind me of the babe!"

"What babe?"

"The babe with the power."

"What power?"

The siblings could go no any further as they toppled onto each other with laughter.

This was the first time since Riff Raff released Magenta that they had stopped looking at each other.

The only words spoken prior to this scene were a curt "Thank you" from Magenta and a cordial "Your welcome" in response.

Since then the two had done nothing but stare at each other's faces. It was quite awkward negotiating the trip down the hall towards the living room (and the nice big squashy couch) especially without uttering a word.

Now they wriggled about on said squashy sofa, giggling and whooping and snorting with laughter. Their entangled legs were soon involved in a kick fight, the winner earning a playful peck on the nose (Magenta).

"I missed you Magenta," Riff Raff blurted after tweaking her freshly kissed nose.

"I missed me too, Riff," she said gravely.

A thundering Frank soon broke the awkwardness, "Bloody earthling fools!" he cried out in angst.

"How was the concert, Master?" asked Riff Raff, not moving from his compromising position hovering over his sister.

"There was no concert!" he kicked the squashy couch, "At least that's what I was told!"

The siblings cooed sympathetically as Frank wiped a dry eye.

"Well, I'm off for a nice bubble bath," he skipped out of the room.

"But Master!" called Riff Raff, "You already had a bath today!"

Frank poked an infuriated head back into the room, "Tell that to the bird excrement soiling my beautiful follicles!"

* * *

><p>"Well Advisor, I guess that there was a lesson buried under all of today's angst," he paused as he eased himself into the overflowing bubbles, "Obsession is not healthy," he shook his head wisely and prodded the remotular-controlling device.<p>

"Say..." he goggled at the cavorting figure on the screen, "Now who is _that...?"_

* * *

><p>"Hey, butt-head!" called Riff Raff in his best American accent, "Watcha watchin'?"<p>

"Nothin' ass-face," Magenta replied, equally American.

Riff Raff plopped onto the bed beside his sister, "Nice boxers Magenta, will you let me borrow them sometime?" he twanged the waistband of his stolen garments.

Magenta wrinkled her nose, "Nah, don't think so, you'd just get them all smelly!"

She turned round and began assaulting his armpits with her nimble fingers, he returned the fire with enthusiasm and soon a full fledged tickle war had broken out between the two.

"I surrender! I surrender! Cease fire!" Riff Raff gasped out as Magenta refused to relent.

"Hehe," she giggled evilly, "Time for me to return the favour," she said mischieviously, planting a small kiss of her own on his nose.

"Oh, yuck!" Riff Raff grimaced, his accent back, "Cooties!"

They tickled each some more until Frank burst in again.

"Riff Raff! I have a job for you! I need you to find out all you can about this David Bowie fellow!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yessss! Finally out of the ABBA Palooza hell! Woot! Well done to those who have survived, I admire your bravery, this chapter is a bit rushed, I really want to get back to the fluffy sitcom style I had before and I have the next few chapters kind of roughly planned out, expect a lot of puns ;D so I apologise that it's not at it's best. Also, I'm really not a plant expert, I just typed in some random names that I've picked up randomly so if Azaleas are only found in Arctic conditions or something, sorry ;D<strong>

**Side note: All of Frank's petty accidents are all based on real events that have happened to me ¬_¬ **

**Cameos: **

**Squeaky Guy? - Squeaky Voiced Teen from the Simpsons, he's returned! A referance to the fact that he has multiple low payed jobs on the Simpsons, including selling tickets everywhere!**

**Bus Driver? - Heavily based on a real bus driver, a major grouch, the scene where Frank gets his foot caught in the bus door because the driver suddenly opens it actually happened to me, the driver's response is almost identical to his real life counterpart :\ **

**Sparkly Girl? - Come one, you know this! Make an educated guess ;P**

**Falling Passenger? - Hmmm... lets say it was Hugh Laurie ;P again, another real life event for me (I was the faller) guess who was driving the bus... ¬_¬**

**Cultrural referances? -**

**ABBA impersonators? - The premise of this lil mini series comes from a real life event. I live near a village and every year there is a big festival where Z-List celebs from all over Britain flock to be treated like mega-stars. One year they had these ABBA impersonators, they were actually quite good, I can't remember what they were called though, but it would be amazing if it was ABBA backwards!**

**Benny Andersson? - Another member of ABBA**

**Songs? - First one is Dancing Queen, Frank also mentions Mama Mia, Super Trouper and Waterloo, the reason for the confused looks he gets is because these songs were all recorded in the future, well, the future of Frank's timeline. Riff Raff probably made him a CD/cassette/record (I'm not the best with history knowledge) of ABBA's songs, which is how he is able to play on his CD Player/radio/tapedeck/whatever... my brain hurts :\**

**You Remind Me Of The Babe? - I warned you! A line from Magic Dance by David Bowie (from the film Labrynth) which in turn makes referance to a line in The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer ;P only Riff Raff and Magenta have expanded it a bit into a routine X3**

**Solid River: From a hilarious scene in Hocus Pocus where the witches mistake a road for a river**

**Riff & Genta song? - Waiting For My Real Life To Begin by Colin Hay. All of his songs are beautiful, it was tough deciding which one they would sing**

**Riff's Widdle Outfit? - Supposed to be his church costume, also the one he wears in that freaky farmer painting **

**Mr Costanza? - Seinfeld fans will understand ;P**


	8. Ep 8: My Sister's Peeker

**Disclaimer: Yeah, I tottally own it, that's why I'm on a fanfiction site...**

**AN: Yo gnomies! We're back on track for fluffy sitcom town! ;D**

**Lets have a big hand for all the lovely people who reviewed, especially FrankieFan82 for the suggestion. I couldn't squeeze it into this chapter sadly but be sure to keep an eye out for it ;P**

**Also, yeah, I've been updating a lot recently, if you want to thank anyone, thank William and Kate as school was closed for the Royal Wedding, the snow in December as it was so bad the school was closed so because of some weird glitch we have to have extra holiday time now and my exams which have kept me locked up in my lair with my laptop. Unfortunately, it had to end soon, so updates might be less frequent, but whenever I say that I always end up making a fool of myself by updating like the next day :\**

* * *

><p><em>All my friends know the low rider<em>

_The low rider is a little higher_

_Low rider drives a little slower_

_Low rider is a real goer_

_Low rider knows every street yeah!_

_Low rider is the one to meet yeah!_

_Low rider don't use no gas now_

_Low rider don't drive too fast_

Magenta bopped around Frank's bedchamber, the fixed sound-wave-transporter blaring.

She was _supposed _to be cleaning it, but the song was just too awesome not to dance to, so she clomped around the heart shaped bed, flicking her duster now and then and trying to lower her pitch for the song.

She kicked her heels off as they were interrupting her dancing by sinking into the marshy carpet.

_Take a little trip_

_Take a little trip_

_Take a little trip and see_

_Take a little trip_

_Take a little trip_

_Take a little trip with me_

She hopped onto the bed and jumped up and down, chanting the verse in her attempt at a bass voice.

As the song ended she laughed and collapsed onto the silk covers in respect.

She sighed contentedly and heaved herself up to begin cleaning.

She glanced over at the window and saw the squeaky guide from the supermarket slapping foam onto the pane.

He caught sight of her and his eyes widened as he recognised her.

Her own eyes became enlarged as she noticed that her feet were completely bare.

She screamed, humiliated and reached for her shoes.

The teen screamed back in shock and fear as his ladder slowly toppled backwards.

* * *

><p>"Riff Raff! Riff Raff! Riff Raff!" Magenta called for her brother, poking her head into every room she came across.<p>

"Riff Raff, where are you!"

"Magenta? What ever is the matter?" Riff Raff emerged from the garden and rushed over to his hysterical sister.

"Someone saw my feet!" she cried and sobbed into his shoulder.

He tensed, "Were they bare?" he asked, not wanting to hear the answer.

She nodded into his overalls and continued to cry.

Riff Raff's face grew red and a vein throbbed on his forehead, "Son of a bitch!" he cursed, holding his sister close.

"Is that any way to greet your Master?" Frank emerged from the yoga room, yawning, he was yet to fall asleep, having slept in until midnight.

He noticed Magenta's weeping and Riff Raff's rage.

He remembered that Magenta had been cleaning his bedchamber and became worried, "Er… about all that David Bowie stuff… I'm, er, holding them for a friend…"

"No, Master," Magenta sniffed.

"It seems we have a peeping Tom in the neighbourhood," sad Riff through his tight lips.

Frank goggled, "What exactly were you _doing _in my bedchamber to interest this… Thomas who peeps?"

"He saw Magenta's bare feet," Riff Raff spat out.

Frank paled, "Oh my, you poor girl!" he shook his head sadly and shuddered, "Take the morning off, the last thing you want to be doing with an unstable mind is cleaning my bedchamber!"

* * *

><p>"Magenta? I brought you some oatcakes and green tea!" Riff Raff gently nudged the door open apprehensively.<p>

The door swung open to reveal Magenta in her boxers and t-shirt outfit, rocking on the bed almost catatonically.

"Magenta, are you alright," he asked worriedly, she really didn't need any extra stress after what they'd just been through.

"I feel so violated, Riff," she choked out, tears filling her eyes.

"Shh, it's alright, I'm here for you," Riff Raff put down the tray and collapsed onto the bed to hold his sister, stroking her hair and whispering soothingly to her.

* * *

><p>"Explain something to me Advisor," Frank frowned in thought, "Why wasn't the concert on that night? Why did that sparkly girl and that squeaky idiot not know anything about it?" he activated the remotular-controlling device and held his breath until the screen flickered to life.<p>

_Oh, is it a dream?_

Came the eerie response as some sort of jackalope without antlers disappeared into the fog.

_There's a fog along the horizon_

_A strange glow in the sky_

_But nobody seems to know where you go_

_And what does it mean?_

_Oh, is it a dream?_

Frank goggled in wonder as he watched the small rabbit prance after the abstract shadow-rabbit.

_Bright eyes_

_Burning like fire_

_Bright eyes_

_How can you close and fail?_

_How can the light that burned so brightly_

_Suddenly burn so pale?_

_Bright eyes…_

There was some kind of annoying itch of an emotion at the back of Frank's eyes as he watched the touching scene unfold.

_Bright eyes_

_Burning like fire._

_Bright eyes_

_How can you close and fail?_

_How can the light that burned so brightly_

_Suddenly burn so pale?_

_Bright eyes…_

He scanned his brain through the memories of preparation back on Transsexual and the research he'd been doing with his Advisor for an answer.

Once the movie had ended, he understood.

"Goddamn," he sniffled, blowing his nose for the eleventh time, "I'm… _sad_!"

* * *

><p>"Master, you're up!" the siblings looked up from preparing their breakfast to eye Frank as he slouched into the room.<p>

"On the exterior, maybe. On the interior…" he trailed off and poured himself a bowl of cereal.

"Master, is everything alright?" the siblings exchanged worried glances.

"Oh, I'm fine, I'm just suddenly aware of the cruelty and political issues that face rabbits every day," he sobbed as he put his bowl in the microwave.

The siblings caught each other's eye and Riff Raff raised his eyebrows.

"I'll handle this," he whispered.

Magenta smiled gratefully and slid away.

* * *

><p>"Sigh," Frank said aloud to himself as he decided what outfit to wear that day, "No one understands the hardships of being me," he put a hand on his forehead and choked back a sob, "Being so fabulous but unable to put it to any good use!" he made a weird strangled noise before kicking off his slippers and searching for his fishnets.<p>

"My servants think they know better than me, my _servants_!" he sighed deeply and miserably as he finally located his fishnets. He looked up at the sound of something at his window and came face to face with the squeaky teen that had refused him entry to the ABBA concert.

He caught his eye and noticed that the teen now had a cast on his arm. The teen, noticing Frank, began opening and closing his mouth in shock.

"Oh no, not another one!" he squealed.

Frank suddenly realised that his feet were bare and gave out a shriek, diving for his slippers.

The teen also shrieked in shock, "Not again!" he cried as the ladder succumbed to gravity.

* * *

><p>"It's ok, you two just relax, I'll be back in a minute," Riff Raff placated the rocking Frank and Magenta and headed downstairs.<p>

"How was it?" asked Magenta.

"I feel so violated," Frank shuddered, "And not in a good way…"

"Uhuh," Magenta nodded and quivered at the memory, "What are we going to do?" she asked worriedly.

"Well, I don't know about you, but my Advisor has some pretty good films lined up for me!" Frank visibly cheered up a bit and headed for his bedchamber.

Magenta looked at him, "That's it? That's all it took for you to get over this?"

Frank shrugged, "One of the films is called The Last Unicorn," as if this made it ok.

"Urgh!" Magenta collapsed back onto the bed, wishing she had a brain like a butterfly too.

* * *

><p><em>When the last eagle flies over the last crumbling mountain<em>

_And the last lion roars at the last dusty fountain_

_In the shadow of the forest though she may be old and worn_

_They will stare unbelieving at the last unicorn_

"Oh my God…," Frank blew his nose and attempted to wipe away his mascara smudges.

"Ya know, I admire a man who's not afraid to cry!" a voice chirped from some unknown location.

"Huh?" Frank whipped his around frantically, was Thomas back again?

"Well, I admire any man who's different from my _last _boyfriend… yeesh!"

"Gah!" Frank cried as he located the speaker.

"Oh, Frankie! Hi!" it was the sparkly girl from the night of the disastrous concert, on a ladder outside his window, poking her head in, "I didn't recognise you from the back!"

"What are _you _doing here!" he moaned.

She shrugged and grinned mischievously, "A girl's gotta earn a living somehow! You know, no one wanted this job!" she leaned in closer, "You shoulda heard the stories the last guy was tellin' everyone!" she laughed, Frank winced at the sound.

"Well," he tried to assemble a charming smile, "We all get a bit carried away sometimes," he turned his back to her, hoping she'd get the hint.

"Watcha watchin'?" she trilled.

"The Last Unicorn," Frank muttered grumpily.

"Ooh, sounds neat! Mind if I hang around?"

"Well -,"

"Ok!" she heaved herself in and collapsed onto the bed alongside him, "Hey, can you go get us some snacks while I rewind it?"

Frank huffed, no one ordered him around, "Actually -,"

"Ok!" she whooped again, throwing her hands in the air and backhanding Frank towards the door.

* * *

><p>"Magenta, come on, I hate to see you like this!" stroked her cheek gently as he spoke, "I mean, feet aren't the same here on earth! Earthlings don't care whether they're seen or not. They're on the monitor all the time," his lips twitched as he remembered their reactions the first time a bare foot popped up on the screen.<p>

Magenta sighed, "I know… I just feel so weird…," she pulled a face and looked into his eyes, "I mean, the only person who's ever seen my bare feet before (apart form me) is you… I don't know… it just felt nice, like we had some kind of secret… I don't want to share it with some pimply earthling!" she groaned, "It makes my stomachs churn just to think about it."

"Magenta…," Riff Raff breathed, touched, "We'll always have my feet," he whispered before softly kissing her.

* * *

><p>"<em>So <em>then I said "Hey, pal! Take your finger out your nose when I'm talkin' to ya!" and then he says -,"

"Oh look Look, look, look!" Frank bounced up and down, pointing at the credits rolling down the screen, "The film has terminated! You probably need to go back to your employment now…," Frank said hopefully.

"Nah! I can take my lunch break now, ok, so he says… hey, Frankie? Doesn't that hurt your head?"

"That's the point."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yay! Columbia's in it! Yes, it was her at the the concert (all those who guessedright win pictures of Frank's feet!) and, if this was a real sitcom, she'd have the position of recurring guest star, I guess ;P Along with Squeaky Voiced Teen!<strong>

**Weird Fact: Since I put him in this fic he's been absent from the Simpsons O_o**

**Challenge: Why _did_ no one but Frank know about the concert? **

**Cultural References:**

**Title? - Pun of My Sister's Keeper (also a really crap anagram, I realised)**

**Magenta's song? - Low Rider by War, when I was on holiday in America one year I became addicted to George Lopez, the TV Show, unfortunately they don't show it here and the DVDs don't work here apparently :( Anyway, the image of Magenta trying to sing this was a very funny one! ;P**

**Frank's Rabbit Song? - Bright Eyes by Art Garfunkel, that tear-jerker from Watership Down. I used the version that's in the film.**

**David Bowie Stuff? - I was lsitening to Life on Mars when writing this ;P**

**Last Unicorn? - I just remember this fiom as being really sad, especially the song :(**

**Green Tea and Oarcakes? - Yum ;3**


	9. Ep 9: Frankie Says Axe

**Disclaimer: Nope, not mine... *mumble* apparently kidnapping the cast and some of the crew and keeping them in a cage for my own amusement does not constitute actually _owning_ Rocky Horror... *growls and pokes Barry Bostwick with a stick***

**AN: The results are in! It was close but Frankie Says Relax wins! Woooooot! At first I wasn't too happy because the other two had big storylines laid out for them, I just kinda put Frankie Says in for the sake of it, but then (oh, then) inspiration struck and now I am so happy super mega happy glad that Frankie Says won! Because starting from the next chapter the plot for this particular option shall begin! And, oh is it a plot!**

**Thanks so much for everyone that voted and those of you who have stuck with this story! Your reviews keep me writing! **

**By the way, this chapter is really a filler, nothing particularly thought provoking or significant will happen, it's just fluffy Frankie sitcom fodder ;P**

* * *

><p>"I just don't see how this day could get any worse!" Frank griped to himself as he approached the hot pink curtain of beads that marked the entrance to his bedchamber.<p>

"Surprise!" an all too familiar squeaky voice called.

"Gah!" Frank jumped back and tripped over his own platform heels.

"Silly Frankie!" the intruder snorted with mirth as Frank feebly pulled himself up, "You'd've thought you'd've gotten used to it by now!" she giggled squeakily.

Frank stuck a finger in his ear and put on an agonised expression, earning him more squeaks.

"Oh, Frankie, I love it when you pull those faces!" she punched him on the arm as he gingerly sat down on his bed.

She hopped on next to him, ignoring his shrinking and shuffling away, "So, what we watchin' today?"

"Well, _I_ was planning on watching Bullitt…," Frank snapped moodily.

"Ooh! I love Bullitt! He always gets his man! Even if he has to kill him first!" she squawked, "And it features that King of Cool, Steve McQueen! And that car chase! Ooh! I love that car chase! My _last _boyfriend loved it too, he got one of those Mustangs 'cause of the movie!"

Frank finally managed to tune out her babbling, but try as he might, her car noises – including much too authentic squealing of brakes – and mad thrashing about as she wrestled with an imaginary steering wheel were too hard to ignore, especially when she began miming crashing into him.

She cackled as she knocked him off the bed, "Bullitt always gets his man!" she declared in a bad imitation of Steve McQueen's low voice.

"Preferably if he has to kill him first," muttered Frank from the floor.

* * *

><p>"Hey Riff Raff, watcha doin'?" Magenta sidled up behind her brother as he worked at the kitchen counter.<p>

"Chopping vegetables," he answered simply, his lip twitching a bit as she peered over his shoulder.

"Mind if I join in?" she asked innocently, he frowned and turned his head to glance at her sickly sweet smile.

"Why?" he asked simply.

She shrugged, "I've annoyed Frank as much as I can today, judging from the shouting and squeaking coming from his room, I'd say that the window cleaner's back."

They shared a smirk, whoever this mysterious new window cleaner was really deserved a raise of some sort.

"Well, ok then," Magenta tried not to ogle him as he bent over to get an extra chopping board from the bottom cupboard, "Enjoying the view," he called up, startling her out of her leering.

She tried to sound nonchalant, "It's no Mount Vesuvius."

He smirked and placed the chopping board on the counter next to his and pulled out another knife, "You take the carrots," he slid the orange vegetables over to her and resumed his own systematic chopping.

She grinned and accepted the carrots, beginning her own rhythm.

After a small silence where the siblings continued their separate slicing, Riff Raff began chuckling.

"What?" asked Magenta, a bit offended that he was laughing at her knife work.

He beamed cheekily, "You hear that? We're chopping in rhythm."

She giggled as she heard their synchronised thuds, "We are, aren't we?"

They both tittered and resumed their work.

Magenta smiled to herself and began chanting along to the rhythm, creating an extra steady beat, kind of a _doomp-da doomp-da _like sound.

Riff Raff grinned back at her and began singing along, "Heart and soul,"

_Doomp-da doomp-da_

"I fell in love with you, heart and soul,"

_Doomp-da doomp-da_

"The way a fool would do -"

"Madly!" Magenta joined in as they both ceased their chopping.

"Because you held me tight

And stole a kiss in the night…"

"_Ba-ba-ba boom!_" Riff Raff added in a low voice, making Magenta splutter.

He allowed himself a small chortle before putting a hand on her waste and holding her other one, leading her into a mad twirly dance around the kitchen whilst they both attempted to sing through their laughter.

"Heart and soul, I begged to be adored  
>Lost control, and tumbled overboard<br>Gladly...  
>That magic night we kissed<br>There in the moon mist

Oh! But your lips were thrilling, much too thrilling

Never before were mine so strangely willing,"

They paused for a moment to dramatically sigh and throw their heads back in a very Frank-like way before grinning manically and starting their insane waltz and song up again with much more enthusiasm.

"But now I see, what one embrace can do

Look at me, it's got me loving you

Madly…

That little kiss you stole…"

They paused to lightly bump their lips together.

"Held all my heart and soul!" they finished with a melodramatic twirl and dip.

* * *

><p>"Brmmmmmm, brmmmmmmm, <em>screeeeeeeee<em>! Brrrrrrrrmmmmmmmm!" Columbia bounced up and down excitedly as she pretended to steer the heart shaped bed as if she was Bullitt in his mustang, "Boom!" she cried as the Jewel Black 1968 Dodge Charger exploded in a magnificent ball of flames, "Yeah! Bullitt always gets his man!" she trilled, throwing her arms up and smacking Frank in the face.

"Erm, perhaps we should watch something a bit less boisterous…," he mumbled pathetically, rubbing his cheek.

"Ok!" she exclaimed, Frank dodged her flailing arms and leapt for the remotular-controlling device.

"Huh, this looks weird… must be one of those futuristic type science fiction movies…," Columbia frowned, speechless for once.

Frank celebrated internally at having found her mute button, "Well, why don't we watch it and find out!"

She furrowed her brow, "…it doesn't look like a Sci Fi movie… it looks more like a Christmas movie…"

* * *

><p>"Oh, yuk! Riff! Get a load of this!" Magenta cried in disgust from where she was sprawled across the chaise longue reading a book.<p>

"Hm?" he looked up from the sewing machine where he was reattaching a black rose to one of Frank's negligees.

"This book! I can't believe that a man would willingly leave his smart, sophisticated and sympathetic wife for some sexually promiscuous twenty year-old!"

Riff Raff tutted and shook his head disparagingly, "I knew those smug Prom-Queenians were involved in Earth culture!" he almost growled, "Don't think I won't be taking this up with the council of Promiscuous!"

Magenta nodded angrily, "I just don't understand _why _males are so attracted to younger females!" she threw the book to the floor and walked over to lean on the windowsill.

Riff Raff raised an eyebrow, "So you don't understand how _I_ could possibly be attracted to _you_?"

Magenta rolled her eyes, "First of all, I was referring to Earth males. And secondly, I'm you're little sister, you have to love me, I'm lovably adorable," she grinned sweetly.

Riff Raff chortled, "You know, I have a theory about the first statement," he got up and put a finger to his chin thoughtfully.

"When an irresistible force… such as… you," his eyes twinkled mischievously as he sang.

"Meets an old immovable object… like…," he pretended to ponder the matter, "… me,"

"You can bet as soon as sure as you live," he sidled up to her on the sill, "Something's gotta give, something's gotta give, something's gotta give," he waggled his eyebrows playfully with each line as she regarded him with a smile dancing across her lips.

"When an irrepressible smile… such as yours

Warms an old implacable heart such as mine,"

Magenta strolled along the length of the sill, running her hand along as she suppressed her girlish giggles at her brother's romantic croon.

He caught her eye as she turned to him and he jokingly wagged his finger at her, "Don't say no, because I insist," his smile split his face in half, "Somewhere, somehow, someone's go to be kissed,"

She bit her lip and turned away from him to look out the window, he came up besides her and leant on the sill.

"So, en garde, who knows what the fates might have in store?

From their vast mysterious sky?" he swept his hand across the evening sky.

"I'll try hard ignoring those lips that I adore

But how hard can anyone try?"

Magenta walked back to the chaise longue coyly, trying to resist the urge to throw herself at her exuding-charm-and-50s-elegance brother.

"Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight it with all our might

Chances are some heavenly star-spangled night,"

Riff Raff slowly approached her with that Fred Astaire grin on his face as she shyly fiddled with a button on her dress, sneaking glances at the suave handyman.

"We'll find out as sure as we live," he took Magenta's hand and looked into her eyes, "Something's gotta give, something's gotta give, something's gotta give," he pulled her closer to him, aiming for a kiss but she shook her head and put a finger to his lips.

"No more romantic dancing from you," she rebuked before removing her finger and replacing it with her lips, "I have something better planned."

* * *

><p>"Oh no!" Frank cried in horror and threw his hands over his eyes as the Christmas trees caught on fire.<p>

"Wow, I gotta tell ya, I'm _loving _the quality here! Is your TV HD?"

Frank shrugged and peeked through his fingers at the cremated fir trees, "Oh my!"

"Aw, don't worry about, if you wanna see a fir tree just look out you window! Your garden is crawling with the little green suckers."

"Really?" Frank ran up to the window, "Are they mutated or something?" he asked excitedly.

Columbia shook her head and laughed, "Oh, Frankie!" she giggled, "But seriously, you could make a lotta money, you saw the movie, people love Christmas! They'll fight each other to the death for a half decent fir tree!"

"To the death, you say…" Frank grinned evilly, "I've always fantasised about hordes of ripped hunks fighting over me..."

* * *

><p>"Riff Raff? What are you doing?" Magenta emerged from under the covers, she grabbed one of Riff's discarded shirts and put it on to cover herself as she sauntered up to her absorbed brother.<p>

"Just reading the paper," he replied, not looking up.

"Really?" Magenta said, like it was an event worthy of being in the paper, "Anything happen?" she asked a bit densely.

Riff Raff chuckled, "Yes, funnily enough; a man got robbed."

Magenta tutted, "What a shame."

"A girl got married."

"That's nice, who did she marry?"

Riff Raff smiled and turned to her, "A man," he said simply, biting back a goofy smile as he noticed his sister's attire.

She stuck her tongue out and smacked him.

"They'd been in love for a long time," Riff Raff added hopefully.

Magenta smiled, "Anything else happen?"

His goofy grin broke through, "Yes, but it's not in the paper."

She lightly swatted his arm and snuggled next to him on the chaise longue.

Suddenly he stiffened and a confused look graced his face.

"What?" Magenta asked worriedly.

Wordlessly he showed her the paper.

"What?" Magenta gasped as she read the advertisment, "But that's our castle..."

* * *

><p>"Hello! Welcome to Falconer's Firs! I am Lord A. Falconer Rerun Firth Kip, and this is my assistant -,"<p>

"La Cob I Um!"

"… yes… well, let us know if you need anything, Miss Um or myself will be more that happy to… _accommodate _you," Frank flashed his Cheshire smile and chuckled, hoping he was using the innuendo correctly.

The earthlings nodded at him stiffly and headed towards the forest.

"Frankie, are you sure this is a good way to meet men?" Columbia whispered furiously into Frank's ear.

"Of course! Look at all the buff specimens of manhood!" he winked at a plaid clad man who was unfortunate enough to have accidently made eye contact, "Woof!"

Columbia held him back as he started to make a beeline straight for the poor man in plaid who was nervously edging away.

"Frankie! Although the men here are both buff and specimen-y, they're only interested in the trees!"

Frank grinned devilishly, "Well, I'll just have to get them interested in another type of wood…," he waggled his eyebrows.

"Oh, yuk! Oh, Frankie!" She dissolved into girlish giggles and punched Frank's arm, "Alright, go ahead, I could use some fun!" she relented, popping a pink bon bon in her mouth as she watched Frank stalk up to plaid man.

"Well, hello there," he sidled up to the nervous man, "How are you doing?"

"Uh… I'm pleasant," he responded nervously.

"Do you need some… _assistance_?" he sent his eyebrows skyward.

"Yes, actually, my wife was wondering if you had any Douglas-firs?"

"Wife, eh?" Frank's eyebrows drooped for a moment before shooting back up again, "Tell me, do you and/or your wife have any tattoos?"

"Well, no actually, but I don't see what that has to do with -,"

"Oh well," Frank sighed sadly and stomped back to Columbia who was systematically popping bon bons into her mouth as she watched Frank's exploits.

"How'd it go?" she asked mid-pop.

Frank shook his head, "He just wasn't my type. Neither was his wife."

"Master?" Frank snapped his head up in horror as the crew of burly moustached men turned their heads to the approaching servants.

"Argh!" he cried in frustration and zipped over to them, "You two can't be here! You'll ruin everything!" he fumed.

The siblings swapped glances, "Master? What's going on? Why are you dressed as Hugh Hefner? And who is that girl in the bunny suit?"

He smiled sheepishly, "Well… I've been lonely these past few months, I need some… company…"

"What about your -,"

"Shh!" Frank waved his hands about as some of the lumberjacks edged closer to eavesdrop, "Just play along ok?"

He smoothed back his hair and turned to grin at the crowd of macho men, "These are my servants, Name Tag and Finn Ciaofit," he gestured to the confused faces of Magenta and Riff Raff.

"Master," Magenta whispered through clenched teeth, "Why did you invite all these riff raff?"

"Yes, you're making us magenta with embarrassment," added Riff Raff returning his sister's cheesy smile.

Frank looked injured and spoke loud enough for the crowd to hear him, "I'm just trying to make their Christmas wishes come true!"

Seeing that no one was convinced, and the crowd were starting to warily head for the exit, he decided to improvise.

"Oh, say! Can you see by the dawn's early light  
>What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming;<br>Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight,  
>O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?"<p>

The fiercely patriotic Denton residents spun round and began enthusiastically belting out their national anthem.

At the end they all applauded as Frank bowed graciously, "Don't applaud me, applaud America!" he announced, punching a fist in the air.

* * *

><p>"Wow, Frankie! You really raked in the dough with your performance today!"<p>

"Yes, Master, the earthlings were quite taken with you."

Frank sighed sadly, "Yes, but I didn't get the chance to take to any of them," he huffed and crossed his arms.

The trio clucked and patted his shoulder, "There there."

"Besides," a squeaky voice piped up, "There's always tomorrow!"

Frank lit up as his two servants sagged, "_Yes_!"

* * *

><p>"Welcome! Welcome! He-men from all over Denton!" Frank announced from his new megaphone, "Feel free to rob my wonderful forest of its precious virtue with your humming machines!" he cried passionately, hoping they'd pick up the double meaning.<p>

"Uh, Master," Riff Raff spoke up from beside him.

"Yes, Mr. Ciaofit?"

Riff Raff rolled his eyes before continuing, "Your announcements are scaring potential customers!"

"What, that's preposterous! How dare you make up such a lie! When we're through here you're going to get the whipping of a lifetime!"

The horrified gasps informed him that he'd accidently left the megaphone on.

"Uh… whipped cream, that is…," he smiled cheesily and nudged Riff Raff to get him to do the same.

"Riff Raff! They're leaving! My precious customers! My beautiful, beautiful lumberjacks! We must stop them!" a light bulb went on in his head, "And I know just how!"

He thrust the megaphone at Riff Raff and sprinted into the castle, kicking his slippers off on the way.

* * *

><p>"Gargh! Where is he? We can't hold them here forever!" Magenta shook her brother's shoulders in frustration, "There's only so much amusement a group of men can get from watching someone accidently flash her breasts whilst singing and dancing!" Magenta jerked her head towards the gates where the window cleaner attempted to distract the crowd of enraptured lumberjacks with her tap dancing and loose corset.<p>

"Agreed," said Riff Raff glancing at the scene.

"Did I say you could look?" Magenta snapped, forcing him to keep watching the castle for Frank's arrival.

"Look! He's deigned to rejoin us!"

"Have no fear! The star is here!" Frank announced, revelling in his servant's shocked expressions.

"Master…?"

"Yes, 'tis I!" he exclaimed, throwing his hands up and twirling round to give them a better view.

"But you look so butch!" Magenta choked out, referring to his thick (fake) moustache, flannel shirt, jeans and tough hiking boots.

"Yessiree!" He cried in a bad Texan accent, "Now, watch."

He climbed onto a tree stump and snatched the megaphone from Riff Raff, "Attention, please!" he called.

The lumberjacks ignored him and continued to watch the groupie's dance.

"Ahem, attention! Attention!" he sighed, "YO, TEN-HUT!" he cried like a drill sergeant, finally getting their attention. He coughed once before beginning.

"NOW, WHO HERE IS A MAN?"

Shouts of "Me" filled the forest.

Frank threw back his head and laughed in the most mannish way he could, "REALLY? YOU THINK THAT HIGHLY OF YOURSELVES?"

"I sense another song," whispered Magenta to Riff Raff and the window cleaner who had joined their huddle behind Frank.

"A man should call the toss  
>Wear the pants, and be the boss<br>A man should be the drink  
>For his own damn sake<p>

And men should the misters  
>And the masters of their sisters<br>A man should be the reason  
>For a heart to break<p>

A man should cut the lawn  
>Change the tire, mend the worn<br>A man should never wait  
>To oil a rusting gate<p>

Men should hold the key positions  
>In our country's great traditions<br>A man should put the food  
>Upon the family plate,"<p>

He stopped for a minute and glared at Riff Raff who rolled his eyes and sullenly chanted;

"So, be moral

Don't quarrel

Fair and square is the best,"

Magenta mumbled along with the chirpy window cleaner who trilled;

"Let me alert you

That virtue won't hurt you

Or desert you,"

A kick from Frank prompted Riff Raff to continue;

"If you wear hair on your chest,"

All three chanted, "So always remember to follow the rules,"

"Bow clever," chimed Riff Raff.

"And jocks never," added Magenta and the cleaner.

Frank took over from there, "Hock another jock's tools!"

The crowd cheered and growled and made various noises which they perceived as manly.

"A man should wax a car  
>Fix a fuse, and tend the bar<br>A man should like his brow  
>To be wet with sweat<p>

Men should know the right occasions  
>To indulge in tax evasions<br>A man should know the settings  
>That his spark plugs get,"<p>

He hopped down from the stump and saluted proudly;

"Faggots are maggots

Thank God I'm a man!"

He bowed as the crowd erupted into cheers.

Riff Raff and Magenta suppressed eye rolls at the irony.

* * *

><p>"Fabulous! Awe inspiring! Magnificent! The most marvellous performance I've ever seen!" Frank paused, "And you two were ok too," he chuckled and placed his overflowing wine glass back on the table, "Now, lets go over the plans for tomorrow, just one more song and they're mine! I know it! I can feel it!" Frank's eyes widened as he excited himself and he daintily took a sip from his glass.<p>

"Uh, Master… just one thing…," Magenta squirmed uncomfortably.

"Yes?" Frank raised a brow.

"You're out of trees," Riff Raff smiled sadly as Frank's face hit the floor.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Wow, this chapter was hard to write, I don't know why... I had to make a lot of changes and cuts etc etc and I'm still kinda unsure about it... :\<strong>

**Also, I noticed that Columbia actually hasn't been addressed by name yet, so I've incorporated that into the plot *shrugs***

**Oh, and the Prom-Queenians and Promiscuous council are teensy wee spoilers for what's to come :P**

**I got the whole idea of selling Xmas trees from my biology teacher who actually does sell trees on the side ;P**

**Cultural References:**

**Frankie Says Axe? - Pun of Frankie Says Relax**

**Vegetable chopping?: Shamelessly ripped off from Frasier when Daphne and Niles are chopping veggies together**

**Dancing/Something's Gotta Give/Newspaper? - All from Daddy Long Legs, an uber cute film about a rich guy (Fred Astaire) who adopts a french orphan (Leslie Caron) and then falls in love with her in later life. The dancey scene after chopping veggies is inspired by all the dancing in this most awesome movie, hey, it's a Fred Astaire movie ;P at the Something's Gotta Give scene I watched the clip on youtube to get it just right (with a few modifications) so if you're curious about what it would look like then type in Daddy Long Legs (1955) Part 10/15 into youtube, it's quit eeasy to imagine Riff & Genta reenacting this adorable scene :3 including the newspaper bit ;P**

**Bullitt? - My dad made me watch it a while back, I had to chose a film that Columbia would know about so... I don't know ;P it's Steve McQueen! The King of Cool! When I watched the car chase I was tempted to make car noises too ;P also I got the info on the cars from Wikipedia**

**Christmas Movie? - Deck The Halls, that's why Columbia thinks it's a sci fi movie, coz it's recent-ish and stuff... she's not the brightest sequen on the glittery tailcoat ;P**

**Macho Songs? - American National Anthem... I hope I got it right, I really don't know that much about that kind of stuff, I don't even know my own anthem :\ The other one is Thank God I'm A Man from (Oooooooh) Shock Treatment! Whoot! It just seemed like the most Anti-Frank song out there**

**Plaid clad man? - I like to think that it was Tom Selleck ;D**

**Hugh Hefner? - Don't pretend you don't know who he is ;P**

**Columbia's Dance? - based on Nell Campbell's infamous live TV performance... you have no idea how many outtake shows that's been on!**

**Bon Bons? - From Married with Children; Peg always likes to eat bon bons **

**Fake Names? - All anagrams I got from an online anagram generator, hehe, for Frank I decided that the N in his name stood for Necrophilia ;P **

**Sadly Riff Raff doesn't have any anagrams (apparently. I'm too lazy to work it out myself) so his name is an anagram of fanfiction, hehe**

**Also, Frank and Columbia standing there browsing the selection of males is based a titchy bit off the Simpsons when Lindsey Naegle and Cookie Kwan are prowling around a construction site looking for husbands (they find Homer ;P)**

**Well, that's all folks! I think... the lil blue button below will answer any questions you have ;D**


	10. Ep10: The Way He Were

**Disclaimer: Does anything really belong to anyone? Hm?**

**AN: Yayness! An uber fast update! Don't get too excited though, it's just one of those get-the-ball-rolling chapters, as the plot is starting up! *squee* Again, a big shout out to all my fabby reviewers! I promise you all, Columbia will gradually get less annoying as she appears more often (and when someone in the fic finally learns her name ;P)**

**Also, during the flashbacks, there won't be any description, just dialogue... *shrugs* it just makes it easier to recognise, hopefully I made everything quite clear ;P**

* * *

><p>"Stop! Wait a minute, Mr. Postal-man, Sir!"<p>

"What'sa matta? You get a paper cut or somethin'?" The postman stroked his moustache, irritated with the effeminate man with the dragon robe, face mask and curlers in front of him.

"Are you sure this is the right address?" Frank threw his hands around wildly, trying to convey his confusion to the bored postman.

"Hey, I just go by what the writing on the envelope says, ok pally?" He tapped his foot impatiently. He had already inconvenienced himself far too much by coming all the way out here to deliver just _one _letter without some fruit questioning his reading skills.

Frank, sensing his annoyance, pulled out his puppy eyes, "Please – if it's not too much trouble…"

"Hm?"

"Would you mind taking this back to your, um… correspondence-receiving-headquarters and doing a quick scan on it to make sure that it is indeed genuine, then – if it is – bring it back to me? If not, then return it to its owner," he gushed, then desperately added, "Pretty please?"

"No dice," _Ya big nutty fruitcake! _The postman sprinted back to his van and sped away.

"This ain't over!" Frank cried, shaking his fist at the retreating vehicle.

* * *

><p>"The nerve of that postal-man!" Frank grumbled into the kitchen chucking the letter onto the table.<p>

"Master! You're awake during daylight hours!" the servants applauded him, only party sarcastically.

He huffed, "Yes, well, I had to answer the door! Really! What _were _you two doing that made you both simultaneously and temporarily deaf, hm?"

They glanced at each other sheepishly, "Just, uh, doing the laundry," Magenta chirped innocently.

"Is that Riff Raff's new nickname now?" he grinned and threw his head back, emitting a throaty laugh, "As much as I'd love for you to go into more detail," he paused, the servants tittered nervously, unsure of his seriousness, "But there are more pressing matters at hand…," he gestured to the envelope on the table.

The siblings looked up at him blankly.

"Whilst you two were otherwise occupied a postal-unit in male form came to the door and handed me this…," he trailed off, waiting for a reaction.

"Oh come now, Master, surely you've watched enough sitcoms to know what _mail_ is!"

Frank shrugged, "You would have thought so."

"Look," Riff Raff reached over and opened the envelope, "I'll read it to you…," he cleared his throat, "To my dearest Frankie-poo –"

Frank let out a shriek and dived across the table to retrieve his letter, "I can handle it from here, Riff Raff!"

Riff Raff grinned, "Oh? Are you sure you want to trouble yourself with the mundane task of reading?" he asked innocently as Magenta suppressed a giggle.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes I'm sure!" Frank flailed his arms about, trying to grab the paper from Riff Raff's extended arm, "In fact, why don't you take the day off – Magenta too! And a raise! Everyone likes raises!" he babbled, still waggling and straining his fingers desperately as he wiggled along the table, trying to get closer to Riff.

"Well… if you're sure…," Riff Raff pretended to ponder the matter, putting a finger to his chin and crinkling his forehead.

"I'm sure! Sure as Shirley! Surer!" he gasped, kicking his legs as he attempted to propel himself across the table.

Magenta chortled, "Come on, Riff, he's getting dangerously close to my toast."

Riff Raff let out a martyred sigh and lowered his arm so that Frank could reach his coveted letter.

"_Yes_!" he cried and snatched the letter, leaping off the table and doing a little dance, "I think that I shall read this in the privacy of my bedchamber," he sniffed haughtily and trotted out the kitchen, leaving his servants to splutter and mimic him.

"_I think that I shall read this in the privacy of my bedchamber_!" Magenta got up and imitated his strut.

Riff Raff chuckled, "Like we don't who it's from!"

Magenta squealed with mirth and hopped onto her brother's lap as they both chanted, "_Ohhhh, Frankie-poo_!" before dissolving into mad cackles.

"You know," Magenta snuggled up to her brother, gasping a bit, "I've still got some laundry that needs doing…"

"You sure?" Riff Raff's eyebrows shot up.

"Surer than Shirley!" Magenta cawed in a familiar posh voice, inevitably causing more laughter to ensue.

* * *

><p>"Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, oh no!" Frank shook his head and horror and collapsed onto his head, "This <em>cannot <em>be happening!"

"What's the matter Frankie?" queried a certain squeaky voice.

"Gah!" Frank shot up to glare at his very much unwelcome window cleaner.

"I haven't seen anyone so downtrodden since my _last _boyfriend found out that Styrofoam peanuts don't taste the same as real peanuts. And then, of course, that led to a whole big thing about Charlie Brown and –,"

"Yes, yes, that's all very uninteresting, but I'm trying to focus on _me_ here!" Frank snapped and threw his hands onto his face, "Oh, woe!"

The window cleaner furrowed her brow and hopped into his bedchamber, "Aw, come on, it's good to talk about these things," she said sympathetically, her voice lowering a pitch.

"It is?" Frank gasped, "Why didn't anyone tell me this sooner?" he sat up, "Now… who to tell? Magenta or Riff Raff… maybe the postal-man wouldn't mind lending me an ear…," he stroked his chin as he pondered his options.

The cleaned rolled her eyes, "You could tell me, I'm a _really _good listener! My _last _boyfriend says -,"

"Ok! Ok! I'll tell you just… please…," he pulled a tortured expression and picked up his discarded letter, "…make yourself comfortable…," he whispered.

"Ok!" she saluted him excitedly and snuggled up under the silk covers, "Boy, you've sure got one cosy bed!"

"I am aware," muttered Frank before clearing his throat, "Ok… what I am about to reveal to you may shock you. May shake your whole belief system. May question the very foundation of your ignorant life…"

She perked up, "Don't tell me, you're gay!" she snorted and punched his shoulder.

Frank huffed, "Fine, if you don't want me to tell you…," he spun around away from her moodily.

"Aw, come on, Frankie! I was just teasin' ya! I'll be completely serious and professional from now on!"

"And silent?" he turned round to skewer her with a wary glare.

She mimed zipping her lips.

Frank smiled widely, "Well…," he began, choosing his words carefully, having decided that revealing _everything _to the squeaky loudmouth probably wasn't the wisest of ideas, "You see… my servants and I are not from here… we come from a small… village located in the univer— I mean… uh, country of Transylvania…"

Her interest piqued, she pulled herself upright and leaned forward.

"I guess… to explain the letter… I must start at the beginning…," he deduced and sighed, getting ready to reveal to this cleaner more than he had to anyone else…

* * *

><p><em>My mother was the daughter of the… ruler of our… village. And also next in line to the Royal Deck Chair, I mean… uh, yeah, (that's not too incriminating). But to ascend the Deck Chair, she had to marry first, else the Chair would have gone to her first cousin – the next in line. So she agreed to marry a promising young astronaut from the neighbouring village. He wasn't quite Royalty but he sure was good-looking. But before they were wed, he had to prove himself worthy, and so decided to venture into outer space to retrieve a small sample from one of Saturn's rings to form into her wedding band. She loved things like that, my dear mumsie…<em>

_Well, anyway, he was raring and ready to go when tragedy struck…_

The Other Guy:"Ground Control to Major Tom. Ground Control to Major Tom. Hellooooo? Major Tom?"

Major Tom:"Major Tom to Ground Control; why are you bothering me?"

The Other Guy:"Come on, dude, pay attention! This is hardcore shit! Not another of your mediocre little daytrips to Pluto! Ok? Just take your Goddamn protein pills and put your helmet on! Mmk?"

Major Tom:"Sure… my… _protein _pills… wink wink."

The Other Guy:"No, those are for the return trip, I mean your actual protein pills."

Major Tom:*sigh* "Whatevs…"

Jerry:"Ten."

The Other Guy:"Ground Control..."

Jerry:"Nine."

The Other Guy:"…to Major Tom."

Jerry:"Eight, seven, six."

The Other Guy:"Commencing countdown…"

Jerry:"Five."

The Other Guy:"Engines on."

Jerry:"Four."

Major Tom:"I can count down from ten myself, Jerry."

Jerry:"Look man, it's part of my job description (plus it sounds uber cool :3)."

The Other Guy:"… Look, just check ignition and may God's love be with you, yadda yadda."

Major Tom:"Ok, finally, let's do this _thang_!"

Spaceship:*blastoff noises*

Jerry:"_Three-two-one – _BLASTOFF!"

The Other Guy:"... Thanks for the update."

Jerry:"Your welcome!" :)

Miscellaneous peeps: "Woah, check out Tom! Hot stuff! Woof!"

The Other Guy:"(Well fuck me hard, he actually looks kinda cool…) this is Ground Control to Major Tom. You've really made the Grade!"

Jerry:"And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!"

The Other Guy:"Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare!"

Jerry:"Dun dun dunnnn!"

The Other Guy:"…Thank you Jerry…"

Major Tom:"Ugh! Do I have to?"

The Other Guy:"Yes, Tom, that's the whole -,"

Major Tom:"Look, wha's your job?"

The Other Guy"Ground Control, but -,"

Major Tom:"Mmhhmm, so your job is to control the ground – which I am no longer on. Call me when you've been promoted to Space Control, or preferably Tom Control."

The Other Guy:"Come on Tom, you wanna get with the Princess, no?"

Major Tom:*sigh* "_Fine_!"

Jerry:*sigh* "I wish I were a Princess, then Tom would want to get with me…"

The Other Guy:"…How exactly did you land a job here?"

Major Tom:"This is Major Tom to Ground Control. I'm stepping out the door… and I'm floating in a most peculiar way… and the stars look very different today…"

The Other Guy:"Very nice, Tom, now –,"

Major Tom:"Here am I floatin' 'round my tin can…"

The Other Guy:"Yes, now -,"

Major Tom:"Far above the world…"

The Other Guy:"Wait a minute, should that light be blinking…?"

Jerry:*shrugs*

Major Tom:"Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do…"

The Other Guy:"Tom…?"

Major Tom:"Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles, I'm feeling very still..."

The Other Guy:"Dude, this doesn't look right…"

Major Tom:"And I think my spaceship knows which way to go…"

The Other Guy:"Oh, crap…"

Major Tom:"Tell my wife I love her very much…"

The Other Guy:"Uh, ok… wait, you guys aren't -,"

Jerry:"She knows."

The Other Guy:"Wait, Jerry's in on this? Hey, Jerry, where you going? Tom? Oh no, oh no, that ain't good… Ground Control to Major Tom, you're circuits dead, there's something wrong! Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can your hear me, Major Tom? Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can you -"

Major Tom:"Here am I sitting in my tin can far above the Moon. Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do…"

The Other Guy:"Oh, man, I am _so _getting fired for this… well, if I'm going I'm taking Jerry down with me…"

_And so, Major Tom was lost to space, neither his ship nor he returned to… _Earth_ and it looked like my dear mother would lose out on the Deck Chair… but…_

Another Guy:"Ok, Queenie, your future son-in-law has been lost to space, we're far too sexist to allow your daughter to ascend to the Royal Deck Chair without a man, and to top it all of, Jerry's gone missing. People are starting to ask questions. It would be best for everyone involved if you just gave up and relinquished the chair to Lord DeLordy."

Old Queen Sr.:"Never! He's much too fat! He'll break it! Oh! Send for my daughter, Old Queen Jr."

Another Guy:"Ugh, fine, since you are technically still the ruler… *blows trumpet*"

Old Queen Jr.: *appears* "You blew me?"

Old Queen Sr.:"Hell yeah, he did!"

Old Queen Jr.:"Mother, please! I am in mourning for my hunky astro-Adonis!"

Old Queen Sr.:"Yeah, well, so is his mistress and yet she's already on the rebound, you should be following her example times ten! Come now, you're Royalty!"

Another Guy:"Not for long!"

Old Queen Jr.:"But… I am with child... Tom's child, to be precise (although there was a moment of uncertainty)."

Old Queen Sr.:"Ha! You hear that? She's preggers! She has already produced an heir! That's my girl!"

Another Guy:"Unless she produces a husband then she's out. And no one's gonna want her with a sprog in the picture, not when DeLordy's available."

Old Queen Sr.:"What about the sprog itself?"

_And so, it was decreed that for Old Queen Jr. to have a chance at the Deck Chair, she would have to marry her offspring, she had until Old Queen Sr. kicked the bucket to do so…_

* * *

><p>"Wait a minute… didn't you say that she was your mother?" the cleaner piped up, confused.<p>

"Yes."

"What did the letter say?" she asked quietly.

Frank gulped audibly, "It informed me that my grandmother's terminal illness is just about ready to seize her…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Dun Dun Dunnnnn! Yeah, not the best thing I've ever written... but you get the idea... I hope the flashbacks weren't too confusing. Basically, in the Ground Control there were mainly three people talking (not including the miscellaneous who rudely butted in once) which were Major Tom, Jerry and... the other guy. And at the Chair there were also three people, Old Queen Sr., Old Queen Jr. and... the other guy (not the same other guy from Ground Control)<strong>

**Cultrual References:**

**Title?: Pun of The Way We Were, yes I know the grammar's dodgy ;P**

**Ground Control?: Basically, the whole thing is an extended version of Space Oddity by David Bowie. Major Tom is a character who appears in three of Bowie's songs; Space Oddity, Ashes to Ashes and Hallo Spaceboy, as well as countless other songs by countless other artists. A lot of the dialogue is actual lyrics from Space Oddity. **

**"Postal-man"?: I kidnapped another character from the Simpsons, apparently his name is Wiseguy, you know, he's that guy with the moustache who's always making some joke. For example, I decided to put him in because yesterday I was watching the episode where Homer gets really fat to get out of work. Anyway, he's not allowed into the cinema because he won't fit in the chairs and then Wiseguy's dissembodied voice floats in and says something like, "Hey, Fatty! I got a film for ya! A Fridge Too Far!" I don't know... it made me snort like the nerd I am. Also, I've got Please, Mr Postman by The Carpenters stuck in my head (for which I have _opheliafrump_ to thank for) so I snuck a small peice of the chorus in there somewhere ;P**

**No Dice?: Another Simpsons reference, when Grampa runs off with "The Hussy" to Branson, the Simpsons go after him and end up in (Charles) Bronson. Hehe, where everyone has his face and voice (which is actually Wiseguy's voice) and there is a bit where this kid says to his mum "Hey, ma, how 'bout some cookies" and she says "No dice" and he goes "This ain't over" me and my sister say that to each other a lot now... weirdness runs in my family ;D**

**Doing Laundry?: When Monica and Chandler are secretly dating in Friends, Rachel hears them on the phoen saying something along the lines of: "I told Rachel that I'm doing laundry." "Laundry, huh? Is that my new nickname?" hehe ;D**

**Jerry?: You shall see... keep an eye out for him... *waggles eyebrows***


	11. Ep 11: Before the Fool's Gold Rush

**Disclaimer: We all own it where it matters... in our hearts... **

**AN: Yes, I know it's been a while. I actually typed it all out over a week ago but then the user on the laptop crashed! But, you know, life goes on so I went on another user and slaved away through my boredom, trying to remember everything I had written and then ( OMG) the same thing happened. I pretty much gave up after that (yeah, I'm a quitter) but then I started feeling guilty for leaving you all hanging so I started it again only to have my laptop priviledges revoked by my dad because I've been patching school too much. Well, _anyway _I've _finally _got access to technology again and so here is a small snippet of the original extra long chapter (I _really_ can't be arsed going through all that hell again and I don't want to torture you anymore so... eh) another kind of get-the-ball-rolling type affair. Sorry, feel free to ice pick/laser beam me into oblivion ;D**

**I've also decided to make the summary into a lil preview of the "episode" (like pressing Information on the TV Guide for those with Sky)**

* * *

><p>"Oh! Woe is me!" Frank snivelled and reached for another tissue, "My life is a misery!" he cried as he let out an elephant like snort into the hanky.<p>

"Meow?" a dark scrawny blur zipped in the open window and adjusted itself regally on Frank's throne.

He snapped his head up from underneath the mountain of used tissues to glare blearily at his intruder.

"Scat cat! Can't you see that I'm at the start of a pretty big down downer?" he snapped before dissolving into blubbering again.

The cat stared coolly at him with a kind of amused pity in its flaming amber eyes.

Frank shivered, there was something very odd about that cat…

Then again, there weren't any cats back on Transsexual – unless you counted cat fights – so maybe it was normal for rough looking alley cats to come boldly strutting into bedchambers and stare menacingly at the inhabitants with those dangerous amber orbs…

Maybe silvery blue fur was the norm for an Earth cat…

The cat continued to stare unblinking at Frank as he nervously shifted under his hot pink covers and dabbed daintily at his running mascara.

"Come now, what good are you doing staring at me like that?" he made a shooing gesture, "Jog on, kitty!" he urged as the cat stared back at him with a very bored expression.

He sighed, "Fine, stay! Stare away!" he crossed his arms moodily and huffed, hoping reverse psychology worked on felines, "I don't mind, you could sit there all day and I wouldn't care."

The cat slowly and purposefully blinked.

"… but if _you _want to leave then I sure won't stop you…"

"You talkin' to me, Frankie?"

"Egad!" Frank screeched and tumbled off the bed, followed by his supply of balled up hankies.

The cleaner giggled from her ladder, "Oh, Frankie!" she snorted and wiggled in through the window.

She tackled him as he lay on the floor and started tickling him.

"Stop it! Stop it! I command you to – YOOHOO!" he cried as she dug her nimble fingers under his armpit.

Eventually she relented and stood up to admire her work.

"Oh, Frankie!" she giggled and hopped onto his bed, watching him huddled up pathetically on the floor.

"Hey, who's your friend?" she pointed to the imperious cat that watched from its spot on Frank's throne.

"That _feline _is no acquaintance of mine!" Frank spat angrily as he heaved himself into a sitting position, thoroughly irritated.

"Hey, that rhymed!" she squawked, "You're a poet and you don't even know it!" she dissolved into giggles and snorts as she rolled around on Frank's bed.

Frank and the cat shared a glance, for once in agreement.

* * *

><p>"Mm… Riff…," Magenta sighed as her brother gently awoke her with a trail of gentle kisses from the crown of her head to the soles of her feet, "Oh, stop, stop! It's ticklish!" she protested as her brother grinned wickedly and began smothering her defenceless foot in slobbery kisses.<p>

"Sorry, I just can't control myself," he tickled her big toe with his nose, "You have very shapely feet."

Magenta gently poked his face with her toe before flipping over until she was facing her brother at the foot of the bed, supporting her head with her hands, she blew a small puff of air into his face.

He responded with an evil smirk and a lingering kiss.

"Have you noticed anything strange about Fra – I mean the Master recently?" he asked suddenly, reaching out to twirl a strand of her red frizz.

She rolled her eyes, "I'd really like to understand how your mind works someday."

Riff Raff shrugged and starting wrapping the strand around his finger like a spring, "I'm just wondering… he was up all last night balling his eyes out and muttering nonsense about his "bachelor lifestyle", I don't think he got a wink of sleep – he's still up now… he's been different ever since he received that letter…," he frowned and released Magenta's hair.

Magenta shrugged, "Well, if it's bothering you this much then we'll just have to read his letter," she announced casually, "It can't be anything that serious anyway, it's probably just his cable bill."

* * *

><p>"So... how's your li'l Oedipus thing coming along?" the cleaner asked as her pink bubble popped.<p>

"I don't know or care about what you're talking about, but do you mind if we discuss my upcoming maternal marriage, hm?" Frank snapped as he moodily dangled upside down off his bed, trying not to make eye contact with the ever-watching cat.

The cleaner huffed and scooped up her baby pink bubblegum before sticking it with its friends on the wall behind Frank's headboard.

"Well, I was up all night planning how I'm going to worm my way out of it, and then… well, it was strange the way it happened… suddenly you get a break… whole pieces seem to fit into place –,"

"What did you come up with?" she interrupted impatiently.

Frank glared before continuing, "Well, in our… _village_… we are a lot more… _free_ than the rest of the world… many things are allowed – and even celebrated – such as adultery, pan sexuality, incest… but one of the few forbidden fruits on our lush and bountiful tree is… _bigamy_…," he whispered dramatically, his panda eyes widening scarily.

"So…"

"So, all I have to do is get hitched," Frank cackled manically.

"Frankie… I don't think that getting married is going to be as easy as you think…"

Frank laughed, "How hard can it be? You've seen me!" he struck a seductive pose, "Not even my own mother can keep her hands off me! Now all I have to do is find some willing young innocent... there's a church down the road, right?"

"Frankie! Please!" the cleaner sighed, "Would ya listen to yourself?"

"Yes… I can see it now! We'll have roses – no lilies! And we'll serve salmon! Oh, how I wish I had the complexion for white…"

"Frankie!"

"Unless… would it be too inappropriate to wear a black wedding dress? I would prefer something more traditional - such as a corset - but when I wore it to the Sunday sermon I was kicked out..."

"_Frankie_!" she stood up and jumped up and down on the bed until she got his attention, "I don't know about your village, but in Denton marriages are rare and sacred – heck, even most high school sweethearts wait until they're in their thirties before popping the question! Where are you even gonna meet someone?" she huffed and dropped back onto the bed.

Frank flashed her a wicked smile and pulled out the remotular-controlling device from apparent thin air (it's not as if his see-through teddy had pockets) and hit a button.

"I'll let my advisor sort out the specifics," he drawled nonchalantly as the screen flickered to life.

"An advert for speed dating?" the cleaner queried sceptically.

Frank goggled excitedly, "Speed dating…," he rolled the word around his mouth and narrowed his eyes thoughtfully, "I quite like the sound of that… speeding up the whole courting process with minimum wooing… hmm… so you're saying that the average run of the mill marital build-up takes about a decade or two… so sped up… do you think it could take a week?"

"Wait… speed dating doesn't mean literally speeding your way through dating to marriage!"

Frank interrupted her, "Don't be idiotic! Look at the advertisement! It clearly promises a marriage to anyone who participates! My adviser never lies!"

"What about that ABBA concert you tried to attend?"

"… _That_ was a one off…," _Hmm… I still haven't figured that one out…_

"And when you thought Riff Raff and Magenta were going to murder you?"

"Well, I… how did you even find out a bout that?"

"Meow?"

"Oh, hush! I am attending the speed dating and that. Is. That."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: It's really weird having Columbia be the voice of reason in this warped tale of weddings and woe<strong>

**Well, as promised, an uber short, extra lame, filler chapter. Probably the one least like a sitcom but... at least it's something...**

**The next one may or may not be a while as things are a bit hectic just now and I need to short out some shit (like soing some research on a certain new cast member HINTS: a) not an OC (I'm really crap at OCs) b_) he_ is not from the Simpsons (although I have kidnapped some more Springfeilders) and c) his creator and one his fellow creations have already been mentioned before) but then again... I might update tomorrow, I shall see how the wind blows... ;P**

**Cultural References:**

**Title? - _After the Gold Rush _by _Neil Young_**

**Cat? - It's Varjak Paw! I know he's a tad OOC but I assume that after _The Outlaw_ he has matured quite a bit... I considered using the cat from Coraline but the results will be more interesting this way. The situation is a bit of a nod to the new Cravendale Milk advert featuring the voice talents of our very own Tim Curry, I even filched a line (jog on kitties) hehe**

**Shapely Feet? - Straight from the mouth of Hannibal Lector in the film _Hannibal_. _Silence of the Lambs _has been one of my most favourite films for years but I only recently watched _Hannibal._ **

**Oedipus? - I'm a bit obsessed with Mythology - particularly Greek - but just about everyone knows ye olde Oedipus tale. Killed dad, married mum, blinded self?**


	12. Ep 12: Like Woman Do

**Disclaimer: Don't look at me! I'm just your regular Frankie Fan**

**Unimportant AN: So sorry for the long wait! But my internets been on the fritz and I've been tearing my hair out trying to get it working again so please, drop the ice picks and lower the lasers!**

**IMPORTANT AN: Ok, here is the much anticipated Frankie-goes-dating chapter. Now, this will be dissapointing for you. Originally this chapter did kinda include all the "trolls, toads and trollops" mentioned in here by Frank (and explained why he's so OOC) but unfortunately it was just getting too long and would have taken me _months _to complete! Seriously I just kept on adding charcter afetr character so I decided instead that I would make a whole new spin-off type affair to showcase them all! I don't what I'll call it but it will include ALL of the lucky ladies who get to violate Frank and turn him into the quivering jelly you will see here! Only two of the dates made it into here (sorry!) and will be polished and added to for the new fic! **

**Thanks to all who reviewed and I hope you still manage to enjoy the leftovers of this once awesome chapter (I am REALLY looking forward to the next three, so stick around!)**

* * *

><p>"Well…? What do you think? Am I appropriately clothed?" Frank emerged from his dressing room and did a small twirl for the cleaner (who had added some extra sparkles for the occasion) and the very unamused cat.<p>

"Um…," the cleaner bit her lip thoughtfully, "I think that the girls at the speed dating will be expecting something a bit more… _butch_…"

Frank frowned, "Butch? But this is my manliest corset! I'm even wearing _blue _eye shadow!" he shuddered delicately and swooned before whispering in a faint, strangled voice, "Do you have any idea what it's doing to my complexion?"

The cleaner sighed and shook her head disapprovingly until Frank slithered back into the dressing room for the eighth time that evening.

* * *

><p>"Master? Master? Are you in your bedchamber?" Magenta called softly, opening the door a crack and poking her head in. Seeing that it was empty she put two fingers in her mouth and whistled.<p>

"All clear?" responded Riff Raff from behind a corner.

"Yup," Magenta answered before slipping inside Frank's bedchamber, closely followed by Riff Raff.

* * *

><p>"I look foolish!"<p>

The cat made a small agreeing type sound before the cleaner huffily shooed it away.

"Aw, Frankie, no! You look adorable!" she pinched his cheeks and smiled at him.

He growled in response. He could have sworn that the retreating feline had smirked at him.

She tried to look serious, "You look very smart. The chicks'll be all over ya!" she punched his shoulder playfully.

"And some of the roosters too?" Frank asked hopefully.

"We'll see," she muttered, entering the bar.

* * *

><p>"Found it yet?" Riff Raff called from his position by Frank's jewellery box.<p>

"Nope," responded Magenta from under the heart shaped bed, "Nothing! Nil, zip, zilch, nada!" she groaned in frustration and emerged from her spot, shaking off the clumps of dust bunnies that had gravitated to her hair.

She hopped onto the bed daintily and observed her brother ransack one of Frank's various make-up bags.

She leaned back on the bed and rubbed her hands over the satin covers, "_Oh no, Magenta_," she mimicked Frank's now more than familiar snooty purr, "_I'm_ _sorry, the budget simply will not allow you and your brother to acquire eiderdown! Besides, you wouldn't want to make the other servants jealous, now would you_? Oh, of course not! Let's just ignore the fact that there _are _no other servants!" she steamed and punched one of his overstuffed pillows in anger. She paused as she heard a small crinkly noise complain of her violence.

"Riff!" she called, sticking her hand inside the pillow case, "I think I've found it!"

* * *

><p>"So… Edna, was it?"<p>

"Honey, you can call me whatever you want!" the frumpy woman across from Frank hiccupped and swayed tipsily, clumsily slapping a hand down on his knee to circle his knee cap in an alarmingly deliberate fashion.

"Uh… ok," Frank squeaked. It was odd for him to be this nervous during a date – if you could call it that! But after being pounced on, pawed at and violated continuously for the past hour by every troll, toad and trollop from the four corners of Denton – Frank had decidedly deteriorated from the smooth, suave and somewhat lecherous _Call Me Frankie _into the stuttering, shuddering and scared _Oh Dear, I appear to be in dire need of a lavatory!_

To add insult to injury – his lowly, sparkly window cleaner was too busy giggling and stroking the arms of the various burly construction workers in attendance to come to come to Frank's rescue – either not noticing or ignoring his loud coughs and frantic arm waves in her direction.

Luckily just as Edna's hand gained enough confidence to begin hiking North the beautiful sound of the oven timer _dinged _and sent Frank speeding off to the next lucky customer.

"Hello, I'm Sarah," an equally worn, yet still smiling brunette greeted him from the other side of the small circular table.

"I'm Frank," he replied timidly, she seemed normal enough… but the spunky young British girl – whose crazed on-again-off-again boyfriend had dragged away after a screaming match in front of a cowering Frank – had taught him that there was more to these Dentonians behind their pretty faces.

After a moment of intensely uncomfortable silence where Frank passed the time by attempting to drain the juice from the lemon slice in his empty glass – and choked – before Sarah spoke up warily.

"Uh, just so you know, I'm not really the type of loser who comes to these things… but, well, my friends made me – said it'd help me get over my ex…," she rambled before stopping herself, "…just so you know…," she trailed off before sighing and leaning back in her chair, "So what's your excuse?"

Frank gulped, "Why, I have no excuse, I'm here for a spouse!"

"Pfft! Like I've never heard that one before – differently worded of course. Everyone knows that the guys who go to these things are all sleazy jerks who wouldn't know a committed relationship if it invited them inside to meet the missus," she jerked her head to the crowd of construction workers swarmed around the cleaner at the bar. She leaned in towards Frank to whisper cattily, "See that girl up there with them? Girls like her are their life-blood."

Frank frowned, a faint twinge of concern momentarily distracting him before he returned to the lovely Sarah who he noticed was still draped across the table, her face close to his.

"You see," Frank purred, gaining back his confidence, "That's the problem with blood, once you've tasted it, you'll only want more…," he trailed off seductively and gazed deep into Sarah's eyes.

She blushed but didn't move away, Frank reached over to brush a strand of hair off her face and –

"Sarah! How dare you defy me!"

"Oh. God. No. Please no…," Sarah face palmed and spun round to wince at the shrieking newcomer.

"You know him?" Frank asked, completely bedazzled by the amount of glitter that had suddenly been swept into the bar by the shrieker.

"He's my _ex_," she hissed, making sure that the shrieker heard her.

The shrieker stiffened and growled, marching up to the table.

"And _you_," he skewered Frank with a glittery glare, "I can be cruel, you know… who are you, anyway?"

Infuriated by the imperious tone, Frank stood up menacingly, ready to earn back his dignity and impress Sarah. Unfortunately, just as Frank took a deep breath to haughtily introduce himself formally and inform the rival of his royal status, he inhaled a lungful of spiteful glitter and instead collapsed to the floor, wheezing pitifully and coughing up sparkles.

"Now look what you've done!" Sarah snapped, "I swear, Jareth, this is why I can't go to nice places!" she huffed and stomped to the exit, "How many times do I have to tell you? You have no power over me!" she yelled as he stalked out after her.

"Sarah! Slow down! Don't make me re-order time!" he called as the twosome disappeared out the door.

"Yow!"

Frank looked up to see the cleaner leaning worriedly over him, "Gee, Frankie, you sure know how to pick 'em!"

Franked coughed weakly and heaved himself up.

"So, you ready to throw in the towel?"

"But…," Frank choked at the sight of all the cougars waiting for him – should he wish to stay – and sighed heavily, "…_ fine_!"

* * *

><p>Moments before the glittery commotion, a certain bluey-silvery cat was perched on a bin at the back of the pub, checking on Frank's progress and sniggering loudly (much to the bemusement of the few passing humans who came out for a smoke).<p>

"Varjak?"

The cat's ears twitched at the familiar gravelly voice and he spun round, almost falling into the bin.

"Holly?" he answered, confused at the appearance of the spiky cat, "What are you doing here? I told you stay at home – who's watching Tam?"

Holly smiled, "Omar was more than happy to babysit her for us," she chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

Varjak's lip twitched downwards as he hopped onto the ground, "Holly… you shouldn't be here…," he muttered, gradually closing the distance between them, "…why are you here?" he stooped just a whisker-length away from her.

"I missed you," she said simply, attempting a shrug.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: An itty bitty bit o' Varjak in there ;3 those who have read both books will understand (don't worry if you haven't, it's just wee inside jokes, nothing majorly important to the storyline! Despite the various fandoms muscilng in this is still a Rocky Horror fic!)<strong>

**Cultural References:**

**Title?: Like Humans Do, a song by David Byrne (from Talking Heads (oh, _that_ David Byrne) that handsome young thing smooching the lamp in my avatar**

**Edna... was it? - Mrs Krapabble (spelt right?) in a seedy bar participating in a speed dating event? How very OOC.**

**Sarah & Jareth? - Labyrinth - even as a kid I was worried about the extravagent use of glitter... I also recycled some lines from the film.**

**Feisty Brittish Gal & On-Again-Off-Again Beau? - Kelly and Flash from St Trinians. Me and a friend used to be unhealthily obsessed with St Trinians and made a pact to avoid all things Trinian... but a little nostalgia never hurt... ;3**

**Varjak Explanations:**

**Holly? - One of Varjak's closest friends and partner in crime - there are some small spoonfulls of romance between the two in The Outlaw**

**Tam? - Varjak and Holly's other friend - she supplies the comic relief - is also a big ole (excuse the pun) scaredy cat**

**Omar? - One of The 'Orrible Twins - has a (reciprocated) crush on Tam**


	13. Ep 13: Advisor Killed The Radio Star

**Is it a louse? Is it a hermit? Yes! It's both! Anne Oying finally got off her ample arse and decided to grace us with an update!**

**Technical problems are yet to be resolved, and so, the next few chapters might seem a bit rushed and crap (seeing as I'm having to rewrite them all -_-) **

**Well, enjoy, and thanks to all the anonymous favouriters who helped to poke me out of my hibernation, along with all those amazing Frank/Columbia fics out there.**

* * *

><p>"Frankie, calm down! It wasn't that bad!" the cleaner bit her lip anxiously as Frank wailed and attempted to smother himself with a faux fur pillow.<p>

"Not that bad? Not that bad?" he disengaged his flushed face from the purple fluff and glared at her, "Of course it wasn't that bad for _you_. You spent the whole night cosying up to hunky he-men whilst I was pawed at by recluses, widows and women who wore their biological clocks as wristwatches!"

"Well," said the cleaner cautiously, looking shifty, "I _did _warn you…"

"Don't go there," muttered Frank darkly, pulling fluff out of his teeth, "You might not make it back…" he sighed heavily and keened loudly, "Now where am I going to find a spouse?" he hopped from the bed and leaned against his armoire morosely, "Where will I find a willing participant?" he whiled round to drape himself over the windowsill, "Is this the end of Francesca Necrophilia Furter?"

"Francesca?" the cleaner goggled at him wildly.

"Besides the point," he said hastily, losing some of the drama, "The point being that I have little over three months before my grandmother pops her clogs and I'm shipped back to Transsexual, stuffed into a meringue of a dress and frogmarched down an aisle towards my lusty old mother!" he shuddered violently, "Which is what will happen until either I arrive already married, or a new law is passed allowing bigamy, polygamy or divorces – which will take years to become enforced, giving me ample opportunity to escape forever!" he cackled wildly, "I just need a bloody decoy!" he screamed in frustration and closed his eyes, massaging his temples.

"Meaw," Frank's eyes cranked open at the mocking purr, as he spun his head round to locate the offending puss, "Oh my word!" he gasped, "They're multiplying!" he pointed a shaking finger at the innocent-looking pair of kitties, who blinked in sync and tried to look bemused.

" Oh," the cleaner giggled and went over to scratch the new spiky cat's ear, "Whilst you were sobbing in your bubble bath last night, this li'l cutie came home with li'l cutie #1, and I just _couldn't _separate 'em, ya know?" she pouted and widened her eyes to a dangerously puppy-like degree, attempting to popsicle-ise Frank.

"I guess..," Frank muttered, hypnotised by her puppy-eyes.

"Yay!" she squeaked before cooing adoringly at the pair.

Frank shook his head to clear the fog of kittens and squeaks and bug-eyed groupies...

Bug-eyed groupies…

"Hey!" Frank yelled and leapt up, startling the cleaner and making the cats hiss and hide under the bed, "_You're _a female!" he cried ecstatically.

"Yup," she said brightly, inspecting a neon-strawberry coloured nail.

"_You're _unattached!"

"Well, I wouldn't say that… I'm more _between _guys right now… after that _last _one… ugh!" she shuddered and muttered something about Elvis and pizza grease.

"_You're _kind of attractive-ish!"

"Gee, you sure know how to sweet talk a girl."

"_You _could be my red-herring!" he cried, jumping off the bed to give her a hug.

"Erm, that's not exactly the most romantic proposal ever proposed," she hedged, trying to disengage the vibrating Frank from her.

"Oh yes, I can see it all!" he squealed, making her voice seem boorishly baritone in comparison, "This way I can skip all pretence of romance, zip down to the court house and bada-bing! No Viagra-fuelled old bat for me!" he chuckled evilly and began a manic waltz around the room, the cleaner still squeezed tightly against his chest.

"Frankie!" she yelped, turning blue, "Am I allowed any say in this?"

Frank stopped and blinked at her before beaming endearingly and tweaking her nose, "Good one, I admire a sense of humour in a woman."

"Frankie! Stop!" she yelled, forcibly shoving him away. He teetered on his fluffy high-heeled slippers before tripping over one of the cats and toppling into a pile of discarded fishnets that he'd deemed unacceptable for the speed dating.

"What is it, my little decoy-duck?"

"I don't wanna marry you!" she cried, turning pinker than her hair, "I want to marry someone who loves me, cares for me, adores me! Not some self-absorbed momma's boy who'll throw me away like an old toy when I've served my purpose!" and with that, she flounced away from the pile of fishnets, and hopped out the window onto her ladder.

Frank met the accusatory glare of the cats with a frown of confusion, "Hm, it appears that she has standards… scruples… dreams… I was not prepared for this…" he grinned wickedly, "Time to pour on some old fashioned Furter charm…" he leapt up and began rifling through his ABBA...

* * *

><p>"<em>Dear Your Majesty…"<em>

"She's his mother! That's much too formal!"

"You're right, ahem. _Dear Mother…"_

"They're betrothed as well, remember! Try make it more love-y dove-y."

"_My Dearect Mumsie-Poppums…"_

"Perfect."

"… _Rest assured that your letter did arrive on time – I have just been too excited to write back. Every time I pick up a paper-marker, my hand shivers with anticipation and I am unable to form the most basic of sentences. I cannot express my euphoria! Finally! The old bat is on her last legs and we can be properly united the way a mother and son should be! Heart, soul, mind and…body *devilish smirk*. I simply cannot wait to see you and am requesting permission to pause my mission to return to Transsexual as soon as you will allow me. Please Mumsie? Pretty pretty please with a cherry on top?_

_Your loving son and bridegroom-to-be, Prince Francesca Necrophilia Furter_

_:)_

_PS Riff Raff and Magenta say hi."_

Riff Raff sighed with relief, dropped his pen like a hot potato and began cracking his fingers, "How's that?"

"Magnificent!" cooed Magenta happily, clasping her hands together in delight, "And mind-blowingly authentic!"

Riff Raff smirked crookedly, "Get me some of that delightful ethanol, would you? It does wonderful things to my mind, I really need it after _that_."

Magenta smiled, ruffled his stringy locks and departed. Riff tore his eyes from her hot-pants encased backside to slide the forged letter into a crisp envelope, _lick_, _and stick, _and set it on the small pile of outgoing mail.

* * *

><p>"Greetings peasant, I am Lord A. Falconer Rerun Firth Kip," Roz looked up from her <em>Cosmo <em>to stare sullenly at the snooty man who was sneering in front of her.

She manufactured a smile, "Oh? And how may I help you on this fine day?" her voice began to morph into an exaggerated parody of his haughty purr, "I only live to serve, your Grace," she bowed lowly before plopping back onto her seat and shoving a bon-bon into her mouth.

The Lord blinked, thinking she was serious, _now that's what I call service! _

He readjusted his monocle, smoothed his moustache and cleared his throat, "My sources tell me that this building contains equipment that is able to transport commands all over the country, straight into the poor fool's ear-canals, correct?"

Roz stared at him blankly, "This is a radio station, yes."

The Lord beamed, "Ah, er, jolly good! Well, I was wondering if you would allow my voice into your airwaves, I need to deliver an order of marriage to a very special lady."

Roz tried to keep her inner-romantic in control and keep her face in it's normal cynical blankness, "Really?" she breathed, _Sleepless in Seattle _type scenarios fluttering around her head, "Well… ," she paused shooting a glance at the empty seat next to the microphone… Frasier _was_ running late…, "Oh, OK! But quickly!" she hissed, shoving him out her booth and into the spinny chair, "I'll just introduce you, you press that button – here put these on –" she shoved a pair of headphones on him, "And then speak into that." She pointed at the microphone and held back a sob, overcome with the knowledge that she was about to help two lovebirds dreams come true.

* * *

><p>Frank grinned at the mildly attractive woman behind the glass window before patting the headphones on top of his grey wig and prodding the microphone experimentally.<p>

He had lain in wait all night, rose in mouth, lights dimmed, ABBA blaring, waiting for the cleaner to appear the next morning with a soapy brush and a cheeky grin. Instead that spotty pervert of a teenager had popped up, taken one look at Frank's glammed up boudoir and promptly fainted dead away.

Having no other means of contacting her, and having cursed himself a hundred times for burning that napkin with her contactual-information, he had despondently turned to his advisor for help. The answer had been simple; radio. The advisor swore that 'all the cool cats are listenin' in' and that only the 'squares' didn't listen to the radio 24/7. Since the cleaner had an obvious fondness for cats and was not square-shaped, she had to listen to the radio! She just had to!

And so, that was why Frank had assumed his favourite alias and sweet-talked his way past security and that misty-eyed woman behind the glass, why he was hearing himself being introduced to the town of Denton.

"Hello Denton," he said pleasantly into the voice-transporter in front of him, "How are you? I am here to make a marital-related request to my little candy cane…" oh shit. What was her name again? Think, Frankie, think…, "Er, La Cob I Um," he spluttered, her horrific anagram popping into his mind, "What do you say… Cobby? Will you make an honest man out of this scandalously attractive, and unsurprisingly virile , young chancer? Would you be willing to tame this wild, socialising wolf? Are you up to a lifetime of compliments, back rubs and absolute pleasure…," Frank inserted the pre-made tape, grinning maniacally as the woman blew her nose loudly, "Will you... take a chance on me?"

The jaunty ABBA song blasted out the speakers at top volume as Frank sang along and began bopping about the booth, kicking his legs insanely and swapping the clean-cut and sophisticated moves Riff Raff had taught him, for his old spasming-eel impression.

* * *

><p><strong>Urgh, can we say anti-climax? Well, at least it was fun to write. <strong>

**You might have noticed some chapter-name changes. Basically, the old ones non-pun-oscity annoyed me. **

**Painted Love = Tainted Love**

**Chocaholic and Sister = Shopaholic and Sister**

**Dancing Queer = Dancing Queen**

**As soon as my laptop signs the treaty, I'll go back and fix the chapters themselves, until then... this will have to do ^^;**

**CR:**

**Song? - Suggested by _FrankieFan82 _many chapters back. Probably not what you had in mind, but have no fear, this isn't the last we'll hear of it.**

**Roz? - Roz Doyle from Frasier. She was probably one of the woman who mollested Frank at the speed dating, but doesn't recognise him in his Lord outfit - and Frank's repressed all memories of the event by then.**

**Pervert? - I knew I had to slip ole Squeaky in somewhere, it just wouldn't be right without him. **

**Sleepless In Seattle? - Cheesy movie with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Not made in the 70s I know, but since when was this fic historically accurate? My guess is that Riff's tinkering has leaked into the TV signals all over town, so the poor Dentonians occasionally and randomly programmes from the future without realising. **

**Title? - Video Killed The Radio Star by The Buggles. Pathetic, right? **


	14. Ep 14: O Cleaner, Where Art Thou?

**I'm woozy from nail-polish and hair dye fumes... enjoy this super-short angst-fest :D**

* * *

><p>"Oh my God! What happened!"<p>

"Is he having a fit?"

"I think his microphone short circuited!" Roz cried hysterically as the staff of KACL crowded into her booth and watched Frank's performance.

"He's being electrocuted!" shrieked Gil, breaking down into dramatic sobs, "Somebody help him!"

"Bulldgog!" Roz cried desperately, clutching the font of his shirt, "Don't you know CPR?" Roz tightened her grip on the flustered man, "I remember you offering to teach me!"

He looked around shiftily and gulped, "Roz, please, I thought you could recognise a come on when you met one!"

"Well, unlike Bulldog, I was serious about offering to share my wisdom," Noel piped up, Roz turned to him and widened her eyes to an insane degree, "Noel? You _honestly _know CPR?"

Noel nodded importantly as the staff gazed helplessly at him, "Better to be safe than sorry. What if William Shatner suddenly stopped breathing?" He rolled up his sleeves, cracked his fingers and marched towards the jigging Frank.

"Sir!" he yelled. Frank continued to point his fingers, kick his legs and gyrate his pelvis obliviously.

"Sir! Do not worry! I am going to administer mouth to mouth!"

That got Frank's attention, "Really?" he stopped mid-pirouette to give Noel the once-over.

"He is cured!" bellowed Noel, taking a bow as the staff cheered and rushed out to pat him on the back and sob on Frank.

* * *

><p>And so, after the paramedics dropped him off at the castle, Frank spent the next few hours stripping himself of his horrible 'Lord' disguise and beautifying himself back to his normal Frank-ilicious standards. He even cracked open the Forbidden Moisturiser. An evil concoction made only from extinct species, illegal substances, toxic waste and cucumber – wearing it more than once in a single lifetime was suicidal pore-wise in the long run. This was the twenty fifth time this year Frank had slathered it on his unsuspecting skin.<p>

And so, tarted up beyond human comprehension, Frank threw some roses that he'd swiped from a graveyard all over the room, and used up all his perfume on the pillows (and himself) before finally throwing on something garish and revealing and striking a seductive pose on the bed, waiting for the cleaner to show up and throw herself at him.

_~~*Well, It Did Seem Foolproof…*~~_

"Master? Are you alright? You missed dinner…" Riff Raff poked his head cautiously into the room.

He took in the "romantic" décor and the Frank-shaped bulge under the covers. Making sure that the whip was out of Frank's reach, he tiptoead over to the bed and sat down next to the lump.

"Master?" he whispered, nudging the covers to make sure he was still alive.

"I knew you'd come!" Frank screamed and threw back the covers, sending Riff flying onto the floor.

He looked around, bemused, before spotting the shell-shocked butler on the furry carpet.

"Oh, it's you," he sighed and collapsed back onto the bed.

"Master, what's wrong?" Riff looked the mascara tinged tear tracks and clumsily wiped away make-up on Frank's face with a knowledgeable eye.

Frank bit his wobbling lip and summoned up every drop of self-control in his body to block the fresh batch of tears that were trying to slip past security and down his face.

"Nothing… I was just watching a sad movie," he gestured to the still running monitor desperately.

"Beetlejuice?" Riff asked sceptically.

"I always cry at weddings," Frank muttered, blowing his nose on the hot-pink sheets.

"Master…" said Riff in a warning tone.

Frank looked for a moment as if he were going to rip Riff's face off and dry his eyes with it, before he broke down into hysterical sobs and threw himself at the expressionless handyman.

"She didn't show up!" he sniffled, ruining Riff's dinner jacket with his mascara-y tears.

* * *

><p>"Riff Raff! Excellent news – why are you soaking wet?" Magenta raised an eyebrow as Riff Raff wrung out his clothes.<p>

"Got caught in the rain," he muttered.

"Silly Riff," she chastised before ploughing on with her news, "We got a reply! We all leave for Transsexual in three months!" she whooped manically and grabbed Riff, starting a crazed sort-of tango.

"Now, we just have to inform Frank," he smirked. Magenta froze and dropped Riff mid-dip.

"Ho shit."

* * *

><p><strong>Don't you just love how well-though out and intricate Riff &amp; Mags' plans are?: Yay lets murder the prince! What's a repercussion?<strong>

**Why isn't Varjak here? I just spent the last few hours of my precious Sunday attempting to do a nyan cat design on my nails - with my real cat nosing about, trying to lick the pretty colours. In short, I'm sick of cats. **

**Frank: Rowr.**

**Me: *grabs Riff's laser***

**CR:**

**Title? - O Brother, Where Art Thou? Amzing film by those amazing brothers :P**

**Beeteljuice? - Whacky fantasy flick with Micheal Keaton. One of Timmy B's real gems. Frank's wedding comment is because of a really 'am I on acid?' scene where BJ attempts to wed poor Winona Ryder. **

**Tango? - That end bit of Sweeney Todd when they do that manic waltzy thing.**

**Author's sly comment? - Yes, I seriously fail as a human for referencing another of my own fics with that weird sarcastic passing-of-time-shower thingy from SWB but, hey, I never claimed to be good person.**

**PS - being a Frasier fanatic, I know that Roz actuallty does know CPR as she was able to revive that senator guy. I'm also aware that the last thing you want to do to a someone who's being electrocuted is lock lips with them. Are you aware how stupid and anti-reality this fic is? **

**And, of course, the entire cast of Frasier minus Frasier got to see Frank's performance.**

**Frasier: D:**


	15. Ep15: Dude, Where's My Characterisation?

**Don't kill me. **

**I actually have legitimate reasons for not updating in forever.**

**A trip to London. Writer's block. Exams. Quasi-hurricanes knocking out phone lines and internet. Lime cordial shortage. But, hey, I'm back now! *weak smile***

**Yeah, just a quick re-cap in here. And the three main characters are nowehere in sight! D: How can this be? Well, Squeaky gets a starring role. And so does an unnamed, previously mentioned character. It's probably obvious who it is though.**

**And yes, I have been re-reading all the previous chapters ehehehe. There's so much I'd forgotten... like that silly 'More man' thing. What the hell was I on? And so much ABBA...**

**Aaaaaaaanyway. The next chapter will be stuffed with overly-dramatic Frank, plotting Riff, evil Mags, judgemental Varjak and a re-apppearing Columbia :)**

**I'll hopefully have it out in less than a week... fingers crossed.**

* * *

><p>"So…" Veronica Sawyer jerked her eyebrows up and gave her date a strained smile, trying to not to focus on that cannonball of an Adam's apple sticking out his throat, "Got any good stories?"<p>

"Well…," he squeaked, wiping some sweat off his forehead and gulping in a horrifically audible fashion, "I have one… but, uh, it's a bit out there…"

The strained smile transformed into a more sardonic affair, "Oh?" she leaned forwards and held back a smirk at the flush her cleavage crack induced, "More 'out there' than watching your psychopathic ex blow himself up?"

The date gulped again before laughing weakly, "Ehehe, I guess not…"

This was so typical. By some miracle he'd managed to bag the school's hottest girl – he couldn't help smiling goofily at the thought (earning himself a creeped out look from Veronica) – and had planned the evening accordingly. Rented tux, borrowed car, fancy restaurant… he should have known that life would realise that thing's were going good for him and try to cock it up. As per usual.

And so, the date had groaned as the tux turned out to be a little… shorter than before (or had he just grown in the last week? Either way, the trousers still ended a painfully noticeable eight centimetres above his ankles – and of course, the only socks not in the wash were his mother's pseudo-tan-tights affair) and a previously overlooked (and unflattering) broccoli colour. But that was OK. Looks weren't everything, right? He'd just have to rely on his friend's sweet ride, that ludicrously expensive restaurant, and his sparkling personality.

For some reason he wasn't surprised when the car broke down. He'd barely left his friend's garage when the thing coughed, shook and emitted alarming amounts of black smoke from under the hood. Besides, his friend was nice enough to lend him his sister's bike. That was cool. It was perfectly normal for a spotty teenager in a hideous, too-short suit and tan-tights to ride around on a fuchsia and violet bicycle. With training wheels. At least he still had the restaurant… and his sparkling personality…

It was probably inevitable that they'd be late and lose their table. What with the argument at Veronica's door when she'd gotten a look at his icky tux and girlie bike. Then the fact that she'd pushed him off the saddle and ridden off without him. Still, he'd wheezed after her faithfully, trying to see the funny side of everything.

Well, anyway, that was how he found himself perspiring in some greasy spoon called 'Sid's Café', across from a bored and unimpressed Goddess, relying completely on his sparkling personality – which he'd found out too late was non-existent.

And now she was being playful and Veronica-like and asking him for a story.

Well, shit. Anything to get laid.

"Uh, ok… there once was a band of three aliens. A handyman and his sister/lover, and a prince who liked to wear fishnets. The prince had a problem. He was engaged to his mother. Understandably, he was not happy with this situation, and so decided to leave his planet. He invented some phoney mission and made preparations to escape – dragging the two other aliens with him. The twosome were not too happy about this and whined constantly, the Prince had little patience and soon began beating and whipping them whenever they got on his nerves. One day, he went so far as to prohibit them from contacting a local chocolate salesman known as the 'Candyman'. They did not take this too well. The brother admitted himself to a-place-that-wasn't-rehab, leaving the sister behind to angst-out. Things escalated when he returned for a week and she suggested that they sleep with the prince in order to have their chocolate privileges restored. Enraged, he stormed out the castle. He returned later and found that she'd progressed from mopey-drama to attention-seeking drama which cultivated in him locking her in a small, windowless room with a TV set, swearing vengeance on the prince all the while. Meanwhile, the Prince became addicted to a certain Swedish band and decided to attend a concert in town – only to discover that no one had any idea what he was talking about. He returned in a bad mood (after a series of petty incidents) and found his servant's reconciled and cuddling in a most nauseous way. The next day he was befriended by a crazed window cleaner he'd met the night before who decided that he was her 'BFF'. After some serious channel surfing, the prince got the bright idea to meet men by selling Christmas trees (in what we can assume to be Summer). It failed. He then received a letter from his mother informing him of their upcoming wedding – as soon as his grandmother died – and sent him into a panic. He then came to the conclusion that he must marry in order to avoid… getting married. And so, he went speed-dating. It also failed. Meanwhile, the scheming servants found the letter – and seeing their chance for revenge for the pointless angst – wrote back, pretending to be him, and agreeing to return to their planet. After the speed-dating bombed, the despondent prince made a shocking discovery – the window cleaner was a woman. He then proposed… sort of… but she refused and disappeared! Desperate to reconcile, he went onto a local radio show and begged her to take him back, only for the staff to call the ambulance after mistaking his dancing for electrocution. That night he waited for the cleaner to show up… but she never did…"

There was a pause as the date finally managed to shut himself up. Horrified at the rubbish that had come pouring out his mouth.

"Is that all?" came Veronica's stunned reply.

"Two holier-than-thou cats were somehow involved." The date squeaked before he could stop himself.

And that is how he found with her drink thrown in his face, as he watched her angrily storm out muttering "I've never heard such badly-worded bullshit my whole life! Get medical help!"

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile in a galaxy not too far, far away…<em>

"Master! Master!" a misshapen lump of being waddled up to a ridiculously regal throne, throwing itself to the ground in a reverant bow.

"Hm?" came the superior purr from the being's master.

"News! We have news… from Transsexual!"

The Master stirred from his prone position on the recliner-throne, "_What! _Is it about Tom? Oh please, let it be about Tom…"

"No, Master! His son… Prince Frank… he's returning!"

* * *

><p><strong>Maybe you should kill me.<strong>

**Cultural References:**

**Title: Dude, Where's My Car? Hopefully everyone knows about this crazy movie.**

**Veronica?: The protagonist from Heathers. A film that makes Mean Girls look like the Tweenies. And yes, her boyrfriend actually does blow himself up in the film (after failing to blow the school up). And he seemed like such a nice boy...**

**Sid's Cafe?: Greasy spoon occasionally featured in Only Fool's and Horses. The most depressing place I could imagine anyone taking a date.**

**Date?: In case it wasn't obvious - it's Squeaky! I haven't been able to put him in recently since Riff would kill him for seeing Magenta's feet. God only knows what Frank would try to do with him...**

**Oh wow, probably the least amount of references I've ever used! Am I, dare I say it, becoming... original? D:**

**Also, I've added some links to my profile regarding this fic, as well as 'Siblings With Benefits'. Because I can. Check them out if there's anything you're curious about, and feel free to ask me about adding any more. I just hate reading a fic and having no idea what the inside jokes are about.**


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